Free Dog

Yesterday I mourned the loss of a set of pumping parts. Specifically the breastshield, connector and a nice, big, expensive Medela bottle.
I had left the house around noon to take Gavin to work and to bring a diaper cake of newborn-sized diapers to a woman who needed them since Evie never wore that size even from birth. I was doing a good thing! Karma, where were you!?

I ran a few other errands and visited my mom and grandma and had lunch with them and my brother. I finally made it back home with Evie in tow a little after 4pm. I opened the door and was greeted by both of my dogs, all happy and cheerful and even though Syd was carrying his stuffed animal pelt (I'll explain that in a minute), he didn't mind running right up and stuffing his nose in Evie's face and giving us both the sniff-down. 

I checked the kitchen and living room to see if he had pulled a diaper out of the trash, but both were clear. I sat on the couch with Evie and let her nurse away the anxiety that comes with riding in the car and not being an inch away from me.

When she was done I went to go get the pump since I'm also donating milk to a lady in town who can't produce enough. I go to the bedroom where the pump was left the night before and discover that Syd has stolen a bottle with the attached shield and connector and chewed them all to pieces on the bed. Here is the aftermath, gathered:

RIP 

Naturally, I lost my shit. 

Well, I would have, if Evie hadn't been in the house. Instead I chased Syd outside and locked him out in the (fenced-in) yard until Gavin came home. I tried to salvage what I could. The yellow piece that the membrane connects to somehow survived but the breastshield was chewed just enough to not work and be extremely painful when tried. 

When Gavin got home I told him Syd would have to be crated if he was allowed back in. And not just while we're gone, but for the rest of the night. I couldn't look at him, I wanted to kill him. But I love animals and could never, yadda yadda yadda. Still. 

This morning I let him out of the crate after getting an earful of whimpers all night. He looked really apologetic so I forgave him. 

I was lucky enough to meet another mom on facebook who had a similar problem, but instead of 27mm shields being chewed, she had her 24mm ones destroyed by her pup. I have an extra set of 24mm I've never used, so we are going to trade. Yay for the internet! And another mom donated a big Medela bottle to me from her set, which she no longer uses since they are beyond the breastfeeding age.

So it all worked out in the end, but I did keep finding little pieces of plastic in the bed last night. And in case you're wondering, no none of it was actually eaten by my idiot dog. We were able to piece together the remains and concluded this morning that he was just being a jerk.

Also I should add that I have to take some responsibility because I left the bottle and pump parts within reach in the bassinet beside our bed. (You know, the one that was supposed to be for Evie but she refuses to sleep in so it's been a catch-all for midnight diapers and all the random stuff that accumulates with babies that co-sleep). 

And before I forget...Syd's stuffed animal pelt/any stuffed animal he hasn't yet gutted: he likes to carry these around when he knows he's done something wrong. Sort of a last-ditch "you-can't-hurt-me-in-front-of-my-baby!" effort. He occasionally uses them as a security blanket, but mostly for sympathy. He's a weirdo.

A Day In The Life

Evie has been home for about three weeks now. We have dealt with missed doses of medicine, her first virus, a dip in breastmilk production and her ever-changing sleep schedule (including the mistake of drinking two sodas before attempting to breastfeeding her to sleep). I have not yet settled us into a routine, although our days go roughly as follows:

9:30 am-medicine alarm #1 goes off. Sleepily pull 2 syringes and the meds from the diaper bag. Administer meds as best as I can, trying to avoid the inevitable red stain on the bed from the pheobarbital and the yellow stain from her vitamin D supplement. Fail miserably. Remove syringe, add boob and resume snuggling until she passes back out (not very long).
10:00 am-give up on getting myself back to sleep. Attempt to rouse Evie again with a boob in the face, get rebuffed. Decide to pump.
11:00 am-got distracted by netflix while pumping, accidentally pump for almost 45 minutes. Oops. Get text from Dad asking how the morning is going and saying how beautiful/crappy it is outside. Respond with a photo of snoozing Evie.
12:30 pm-medicine alarm #2 goes off. Manage to get syringe of trileptal to the back of her mouth so she has no choice but to swallow rather than spit it out all over me. Win. Nurse for a bit, then change her clothes and back to sleep for her.
1:30 pm-Sometimes around this time she finally decides to wake up, but usually I just bring her into the living room with me to try to get stuff done. Either lay her in the swing or wear her in the mei tai/ergo and vacuum or tidy up the house. If yesterday's outfit is embarrassingly old milk-scented, change into a new set of yoga pants/leggings and another shirt that your mom donated to goodwill in 1983. Wool socks if I can find any, too.
3:00 pm-Another text from Dad, reminding me its lunch time. Oops, forgot to think about eating. Snoozy Suzie has finally decided to join the conscious and is acting like I've starved her. Feed her first, then myself. As she is awake and not wanting to be left alone even for a moment, lunch is oatmeal or cheez-its and a half gallon of water. Yesterday it was granola and chocolate chips with honey, shredded coconut and ground flax seed.
4:00 pm-exercise/tummy time. Some struggling occurs as she bends her neck in an insane way to get a view of the TV where Netflix is playing a not-very-baby-friendly show. Meh, its out of her vision range right now. Then some couch snuggles and bonding over a babble conversation. Pump if the mood strikes me.
5:00 pm-Dad comes home, kisses for all, and start dinner. Contemplate leaving the house for food/supplies but ultimately decide to scrounge whatever we have here. Soup, quesodillas, white castle burgers (for Dad), maybe a salad. Quorn chicken cutlets with gruyere if we're feeling fancy. Green beans and rice on the side. Evie, of course, eats first.
6:30 pm-unite on the couch and Dad snuggles Evie while I beat level 533 in Candy Crush. Netflix runs in the background.
9:30 pm-Medicine time again! Same battle, different time of day. Console the angry with a boob and snuggles and resume the Netflix binge.
11:30 pm-Evie has decided to pass out for a bit again, you know, because she wants to be soooo asleep when it comes time to take her second dose of trileptal.
12:30 am-second dose of trileptal and then everyone in the bedroom for story time and going to sleep. I pump while Dad reads to Evie from Magritte's Imagination.
1:30 am-what's that? I'm done pumping? Suddenly Evie is starving again. Boob or bottle, boob or bottle. Trying to build the stash for backup/donation, so I offer the boob. She somehow manages to get milk out of the empty deflated sacks I once called my sexy pillows. (Okay, you got me, I never called them that).
2:00 am-did I forget that I had a coke float for dessert? Because Evie didn't forget! All that caffeine was awesome, not to mention the SUGAR! O.O Cue the loud happy sounds of a baby that doesn't believe in sleep anymore.
3:00 am-move to the guest room because someone got the hiccups and now the happy coos are frustrated shouts accompanied by intense flailing. At least lets let Dad get some sleep. Avett Brothers songs on youtube to the rescue! Rock her and sing to her and fall in love with the smiles and laughter that come out.
4:00 am-give up on life, carry her back to our bedroom even though she's wide awake. Lay her down and offer boob even though I know it is probably still tainted with caffeine. By some miracle she nurses to sleep. Spend another half hour playing Candy Crush to wind down.
4:30 am-pass out myself.

Repeat.

I was so impressed when she first came home from the hospital and could sleep through the night. It's clear now that I was in some sort of babymoon trance. She quickly transitioned out of that stroke of luck. I guess I never really did believe I'd make it to the 9:30 am local mommy meet-ups, though I'd still like to try one day. There's plenty to do at home in the meantime.

Evie's Birthday and first week

I have been struggling with how to start this entry. It is a HUGE entry that is going to be a very emotional read no matter who you are. Because of the nature of it, this should go without saying that it could be triggering, especially for those who have dealt with infant loss. But before you get worked up, know that Evie is currently sleeping snug and warm.

My induction was scheduled for New Year's Eve. I spent the whole day calmly wandering aimlessly throughout my house and then finally called my sister to hang out and distract me. My nerves were all bundled up and my stomach was feeling increasingly large and in the way. We went shopping at the giant plaza near my house and my sister bought a baby bootie charm for her bracelet, in honor of Evie. I dropped my sister back off with my dad and spent a few minutes with him, getting us both pumped for our new roles as mother and grandfather. Then I drove back home where I met with Gavin, his parents and my mom. We packed up the cars with our bags and I got some last-minute cuddles with my kitties and pups. 

The whole ride to the hospital I felt jittery on the inside, yet calm on the outside. I tried to keep up with the conversation, but was entranced by all the Christmas lights still up around the houses we passed. My back started hurting and I told my mom I was pretty sure I was having contractions. 

Getting ready to check in!

When we arrived at the hospital they checked us in pretty quickly and got me settled into a labor and delivery room. I nervously undressed and put my gown on, climbed under my blue blanket in the hospital bed and put my brave face on as they began poking me with needles for the IVs they'd need. 

Things started out pretty positive. Nervous, but positive!

The doctors came in and explained the procedure of things while setting me up on a monitor. Its mostly a blur during that time. I remember they went over the process of induction and the risks and had me sign some forms. But when the monitor was set up, it was apparent that I was already in labor and that each contraction was causing a dip in Evie's little heartbeat. That's when the C word reared its ugly head. 

I had given a lot of thought to how I expected Evelyn's birth to go. At first I imagined that she would be born like any other baby. I would go into labor at some point, get an epidural and then bam, baby. But throughout my pregnancy I read up on some things and decided I wanted to do natural birth, medication-free. I also thought I would deliver early, because I was certain that the doctors were wrong about her due date. I had not had a period since February, so I should have been due 9 months from then, in November right? And of course then I realized that mothers are pregnant for 10 months, not 9. Strange how that myth has proliferated...

When November passed and December rolled around, I approached my due date with great expectation. Evie would come on time, possibly on her due date exactly. I would have her in my arms, we'd come home and I would begin my new life as a loving mommy. But a week before my due date, the doctors began talking induction. A just-in-case. They wanted me to schedule the induction. I tried putting it off, but I wanted Evelyn to be born before the new year, too, so the tax credit for her would help us float a little longer until I have to find a job again. When I finally made the appointment, the only available time was New Year's Eve at 8pm. That was cutting it pretty close, so I decided to give up my dream of having Evie before the new year. I would settle for first baby of the new year? :) 

Never in that whole time of pregnancy did I consider C-section a possibility or option on the table. I didn't want one, didn't think I'd need one and frankly, I thought only people with type-A personalities and control issues got them (except for emergency ones, which I also wrote off as not-applicable. How could Evie be anything but exceptionally healthy when she arrived?) and I am neither. 

Now that the docs were mentioning Cesarean as not only a possibility but a probability, I began to freak out. The vibe of the room changed in a split second from calm and collected to chaos. I began to cry when they told me that I needed to get a Cesarean. Evie's heart rate was dropping with each contraction and she wasn't recovering enough between the contractions. If we waited very much longer, she could go into serious distress and might not make it. I felt like I was thrown into the middle of a battle, no shield, no weapons, no idea which side to fight for. On the one hand, I had been determined to have as pleasant a birth experience as possible. On the other, if that meant Evie would suffer for my comfort....screw that. I signed the waiver for the C-section and before I knew it I was being wheeled away. I was still in tears and my body began to shake tremendously. I could not for the life of me get control of my arms and legs. The doctors and nurses continued to try to talk me down as we got to the operating room. It was so bright and there were so many people. I was moved to the operating table and told to sit on the edge for them to administer the spinal block. My body was still shaking but I put all my focus into being still. I tried to sing to calm myself down. 

A quick prick and then the drugs began flowing. Soon I couldn't feel my legs. They laid me down and strapped my arms out to the table like Jesus on the cross. I continued to shake. They brought in Gavin, who sat at my head and caressed my hair and attempted to be the rock that I needed. 

He is so good to me.

They took a safety pin and poked me a few times to be sure that the anesthesia was working correctly. Pressure or pain, pressure or pain until it was all pressure and no pain. Then they began to work. The nicest person I've ever met, my anesthesiologist named Dana held my hand and spoke kind words of encouragement to me. Between Dana and Gavin, I made it through the hardest part: acceptance. 

Before I knew it we were ready to pull Evie out. The doctor introduced her in parts, "the head, the shoulders, the baby! Congratulations!" and I was in tears all over again. I did it! I had a baby! They took her away to the other side of the room and thus began the longest ten minutes of my life. 

I looked at Dana and said, "what are they doing? Where is she going?" and Dana reassured me that they just had to clean her off a bit and she'd be back. 

"I want to see her." 

"You will, they'll bring her over."

"Why isn't she crying? Is she okay?" (Panic dripping from each syllable).

"Yes, she's okay. They'll bring her over when she's done."

"Do you promise she's okay?"
"I can't make promises, Sarah."
"Okay, but you would tell me if there was a problem?"

"She's a little stunned, that's all."

"That sounds like kid gloves to me. I want to know if something is wrong."

I can't remember if at this point she told me or if I found out later, but Evelyn was born and did not breathe for the first 4 minutes of her life. When they finally brought her to me, she looked a little stunned, but I was so relieved to have her on my chest at last. 

The next few minutes are a blur as they cleaned me up, stitched me up and I guess at some point wheeled me to the recovery room. My memory clears as we are entering. 8 seconds to midnight, I'm surrounded by Gavin, my doctors, maybe my mom? 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Happy New Year!

Evelyn had decided to come before New Year's after all. (To be exact, Evelyn Marie Maxfield arrived at 11:05pm weighing 8lb 3.6 oz and was 20 inches long). 

I got to hold Evelyn again in recovery and I attempted our first breastfeeding. She latched on and I felt like a champion. After awhile we put her in Gavin's arms where he fed her a bottle and many photos were taken. 

First latch!

My heart melts every time I see this photo.

When her initial bloodwork came back, they told us that her blood sugar was low and she would need to be admitted to the NICU until they could stabilize it, since the feeding and formula did not improve it. I was bummed to hear that she was going to be away from me so soon after birth, but my mommy heart said that it was for the best. Still, I worried that all the soda I drank in the end had something to do with it. I am still not convinced I am not at fault. In the NICU they would also check for infection since she had swallowed some meconium as well.

On the morning of January 1st they were talking about Evie being able to return to me by 9pm. And by just before noon they had decided early afternoon could be feasible. As soon as I was able to get up and about, I was. No wheelchair for me! I walked up to the NICU several times to visit. I talked to her and sang to her and they had me try to breastfeed her again. 

When I had her in my arms, Gavin and I noticed she was twitching her leg. And when we unswaddled her, we discovered her arm was twitching too. Same side. I called the nurse over and asked about it. Normal?

Apparently not. The nurses looked concerned and began talking about it being a possible seizure. They'd run some tests. I tried to stay calm and not worry. I didn't really feel alarmed and I figured if it was serious, I would, right?

They decided to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis and do a blood culture to check for HSV since those are two common causes of seizures in newborns. They sent blood to test for other infections as well. 

The first attempted spinal tap did not work because Evie didn't have enough spinal fluid to draw from. They upped her IV fluids to see if it would help, but it didn't. They brought down the EEG machine to hook her up and observe her. They wanted to see if she was truly seizing. 

Thursday night while I was in my hospital room, the door opened and a NICU nurse wheeled in a bassinet.

"Here's your baby!" she announced happily. I almost exploded with joy. How?!

"She's back? They released her!?" 

"He's all yours!" the nurse exclaimed. (He? It was a mistake they kept making in the NICU, but I figured it was because they are around a LOT of babies).

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe it, I have my little girl back!"

"Girl? Oh my GOSH I am SO sorry, I am in the wrong room!"

Cue the waterfall. My heart sank so low I thought they'd need an archaeologist to resurface it. The nurse continued to apologize and then quickly made her exit. Gavin held me while I bawled my eyes out. Thank god he was there or I would not have made it through that. I am not mad, but I was heavily disappointed. I have made peace with this nurse and I know it will upset people that it happened at all, but I try to give people the benefit of a doubt and forgive them for being human. Everyone makes mistakes. 

We went back to the NICU to stay with Evie and help me feel better. We sat with her so long and every time I looked at Gavin he was dozing off. I asked if he wanted to go back to our room and each time he would say no. I was exhausted but I couldn't bring myself to leave if he wasn't ready either. We both nodded off a few times before I finally took his hand and said, "lets go." He didn't fight it, so I believe we were both trying to stay strong for each other. That gives me hope for us. 

The next morning, we received an update. Evie had suffered 2 subclinical seizures per hour throughout the night. They had started a second anti-seizure medicine (the first began right after her first seizure) and it was keeping her pretty heavily sedated. Her oxygen levels were suffering because of it. I was asked to sign an intubation release in the event they'd need to do one. They warned of the risk of aspiration and cut her off from breastmilk, relying exclusively on the IV fluids. Her heartrate also suffered a drop.

I kept pumping as much as possible. 

At 3pm we had a conference with the doctors. It was mostly to get my mom and Gavin's parents updated so we wouldn't have to worry about relaying the information to them each visit to the NICU. The nurse organized it and I am forever grateful to her for it. She saw that Gavin and I were overwhelmed and suffering from exhaustion and she jumped on to help. 

The jist of the conference was that a second attempt at a Spinal Tap failed. They weren't sure whether Evie was fundamentally lacking spinal fluid or if it was being pushed up into her head, but they wanted to do a head ultrasound to see. In the meantime, she would be given antibiotics for infection. This would necessitate at least a two-week stay. The seizure meds appeared to be working and she was no longer seizing clinically nor subclinically. They wanted to do an MRI on the coming Monday to see if the cause of her seizures would be apparent on the photos. They were going to insert a PICC line to make drawing blood and administering meds more streamline and less traumatic for her. 

After the conference we went down to the cafeteria and ate as a family. I was beginning to feel positive because the doctors sounded like they weren't worried too much. I ate a full meal and then some. 

Since Gavin had to go to work, my mom opted to spend the night with me. While we were talking, she received a call that my grandfather had fallen and was not able to help himself up. They didn't know the reason why he had fallen either, so he was being brought to UNC hospital (we were at Duke). Neither of us got very much sleep that night, between worrying about him and worrying about Evie. 

I was given notice of my discharge orders for Saturday, but they told me with enough prodding, I could be allowed to stay through Sunday. I prodded.

The next morning we were told that Evelyn had had an episode of "non-seizure activity". They hesitated to call it an actual seizure. It was not a fun thing to wake up to, but they tried to get me not to worry about it. Her temperature was dropping as well, so they set up a cooling blanket on the heat setting and got her on it. The heat lamp they had been using would not have been compatible with the EEG leads since they could heat up and cause burns. The first attempt at the PICC failed, but since the neurologist was there to stimulate Evelyn, she was awake and alert. Seeing her eyes open and hearing some coos made my heart melt. Despite the issues she was facing, I felt positive she was on the road to recovery.

Singing to sweet Evie. The nose tube is actually a thermometer placed down the esophagus to get a more accurate reading of core temperature.

The doctors gave me more good news: by 8pm she would be cleared to be held again. They were working on a feeding schedule, but hadn't finished yet.

January 4th:

The doctors let us observe Evie's rounds and had taken her EEG leads off before we arrived. They let us feed her with the NG tube while we practiced kangaroo care (skin-to-skin). Then Gavin got to hold Evie for the second time in her life. She gave him a wonderful smile to show her appreciation. 

Look at that smile! :D

The MRI was on Monday. They had some preliminary results and explained that they weren't necessarily the tell-all. There was a spot. It was small and they weren't sure if it was just a spot that people who have seizures have or if it was caused by the seizure. They told me that there is a chance that Evie suffered from brain damage and that many infants with brain damage caused by seizures still go on to lead relatively normal lives. With occupational and speech therapies, they were just like everyone else. I guess I expected to feel like I was being handed a heavy stone to carry. Ever since I had turned down the genetic testing, I had had this feeling that if I had a child with a disability I would feel resentful of it. But now facing the possibility of it, I felt lucky. Things could be a lot worse, as evidenced by the other residents of the NICU. Evelyn would be a miracle no matter what. I feel shame for ever having worried about her being "different" during pregnancy. Being a parent changes a lot about a person. I have grown so much and changed so many of my opinions and views in such a short amount of time.

Where during the first few days of Evie's life, every bit of bad news sent me into a puddle of tears, Monday turned a page for me. I no longer felt like the world was crashing down and even when being delivered the not-so-great news by the doctors, I managed to keep myself grounded. No more tears or meltdowns. At least not in the NICU. In my room I had still felt the need to process my emotions and that usually resulted in quite a few tears. (Side note: my favorite nurse from the NICU, Rosalyn, saw me crying and handed me "one of our finest tissues": a gauze pad. I am so grateful for the nurses that can manage to bring laughter to an otherwise depressing ward).

Monday also brought the lactation consultant and another attempt at breastfeeding. I had been warned that it was possible for Evie to have lost her instinct to suckle, but it was very clear that was not the case. She did have a hard time latching, but with her first actual latch she'd gotten enough to give herself hiccups. It was the cutest thing watching her get a little latch, get interrupted by a hiccup and let out a long, frustrated (but completely adorable) coo before trying again. The lactation consultant showed me how to bring her to my nipple and squeeze it to fit it into her mouth. I felt like I was going to suffocate her because my breasts were so engorged but it didn't happen. 

Feeding tube held by Gavin.

Gavin and I spent a lot of time with Evie on Monday evening after he got back from work. He had worked an overnight shift and didn't get much sleep when he first got back to the hotel. He dozed off while holding Evie, who was pretty sleepy herself after a dose of the phenobarbital kicked in.

Just a couple of sleepies.

We finally got what felt like a good night's sleep on Monday night. I still had to wake up every 3 hours to pump (and missed my 6am feeding, apparently I turned my alarm off but didn't pump. I only discovered this at the 9am pumping!) but I woke up feeling pretty well-rested. I have considered becoming nocturnal because I know during the day someone will be awake to wake me up for pumpings/feedings but at night I have a hard time getting all of them in.

Gavin had to go to work in the morning and I had an appointment with the lactation consultant at noon. My mom came by the hotel and we took the shuttle to the hospital, arriving early enough to spend a little time with Evie before the LC arrived. We snuggled Evie and read her a book and my mom did Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes to her while I took a video.

We spent a good 3 hours with Evie, just hanging out. It was very nice to sit with her and just bond. She made a bunch of cute faces and was pretty alert.

A little before 3pm we were visited by the hospital's Family Support Services rep, who gave us a handbook for discharge and a gift bag with a fleece tie-blanket, a journal and a book about going home. A lot of super-useful information. She also gave us wristbands for the Ronald McDonald room in the hospital. My mom and I went to check it out and found it to be very welcoming. We got a quick snack and sat for a minute. I decided that whenever I can drive again, I'm going to bring a big case of water bottles since they said they don't get enough donated. And when we check out of the hotel, any remaining snacks we have around will be donated as well. 

Mom went to visit my grandfather and I returned to the NICU to feed Evie again and then came back to the hotel to pump. 

This first week has been such a whirlwind, but we made it through. Evelyn is showing many signs of improvement and I am so grateful to be able to stay so close to her. When she is discharged sometime in the next couple weeks I will spend every waking moment (and many sleepy ones as well, I'm sure) making sure that she is covered in love. 

As I look back on the last seven days, I recall all of the hospital staff that were so incredibly kind to us, from nurses, doctors, even the discharge escort was hilarious. I ended up being impressed by every person we came in contact with, whether or not we started off on the right foot. And everyone seemed to fall in love with Evie, too. And Gavin, of course, was my rock the whole way. He did not waver, even once, in my presence. He held me and encouraged me when things were bad, and hugged me when things began to look up. He has truly proven his capabilities in the role of Dad, whether it be through jokes or the gentle touch. I would be lost without him.

My mother and in-laws were invaluable as well. My mom, of course, is my mom. She is the one I can confide in and be open with and she only sometimes oversteps the boundaries that I have set. And we have the kind of relationship that allows me to address that in a constructive way. For that I am thankful. My in-laws have given us every moment of their time, every spare dime they have to make sure that Gavin and I are able to spend the most time we can with Evie. Though it was hard to accept help from them at first, I have decided that I should stop fighting it. She is their first grandbaby and they have the right to put their money and time into whatever they wish. I hope they know how grateful I am.

I try to make sure that everyone knows how much they mean to me and Gavin. To the friends of friends of friends on facebook who have heard of Evie and send their well-wishes and the family members out-of-state that have sent prayers and good vibes and everyone in between, I appreciate you!!

We just can't wait for little Evie to come home. :)

Her second outfit (first one had a poopsplosion!) ever.

Panic and Lemonheads

All day today I have been trying to find distraction. I have gone out to eat, hung out with my brother, cleaned my house, watched Gilmore Girls and I am still 2.5 hours from picking Gavin up from work. Once he is home I can easily be distracted, but all this time to myself to think about tomorrow's induction is driving me batty. 

I really thought Evelyn would be here by now. 

I really thought I wouldn't have to have an induction. Part of me is really considering putting off the induction since it doesn't really make a difference if I have it tomorrow or on the 3rd or the 10th or whenever because she's obviously not coming this year. I only hoped to schedule an induction in 2014 so that she could be born this year and we could use the tax credit to allow me to stay home a little longer. 

Now I'm scared that we wont have that option. And I'm freaking out about money and how we will afford the necessary things we need to survive. 

I know our families wouldn't let us go without and that all I'd have to do is ask for help. I'm grateful for that. But I'm scared that we will be in over our heads. It's time to stop spending money superfluously and focus on keeping the budget. The one I had created when we moved into this house has worked really well for us, but I know there will be expenses I don't even know about yet. And that makes me sweat.

On a brighter note, I'm savoring the last moments of pregnancy by giving in to the cravings. Real Coca-Cola, Lemonheads candies and eggnog by the quart. A funny story about the lemonheads from earlier today:

I had to drive to the other side of town to pick up a keyboard that was being given away for free on a buy/sell/trade site. On the way I passed through something lemon-y smelling and my mind seized on Lemonheads. I have been craving these for most of the last few months, since a trip to Rocketfizz sent me home with some in a bag of assorted candies. I found some at a gas station up the street and bought a couple 25 cent boxes, only to return later to finish buying up their stash. My step-mom gave me some for Christmas in my stocking and they were quickly devoured. When the craving returned today I decided to find some for today and maybe an extra box for the hospital bag. 

The first place I stopped I figured would for sure have them: The Dollar Tree. Granted, it wasn't the one by the movie theater, I assumed they'd have the theater boxes of them since they had every other candy known to man. I was wrong. :( The only Lemonhead candy they had was Lemonhead and Friends bags of smaller bags of candy. Even though it was only $1, I don't think I would like the other kinds. 

The second place I stopped was another little country gas station-esque place like the one up the street from me, but closer to town. I discovered they had ORANGEheads but no Lemonheads. I've never even heard of Orangeheads, but talk about a let-down!

I called my brother to complain about the Orangeheads and the Lemonheads and Friends and he suggested I try the gas station across the street and next to his favorite restaurant. He swore he had seen them there. I believed him and it was just across the street so I went on over. 

GRAPEHEADS. They had GRAPEHEADS. Again, I've never even heard of Grapeheads! But no Lemonheads in sight. 

I finally did find Lemonheads after being discouraged one last time at RiteAid (at least they were just sold out there). Walgreens was to the rescue, and even had them on sale. I bought 3 boxes. 

I hope I still like Lemonheads after Evelyn is born. 

The Overdue Club

I am just a little under an hour shy of being 8 days overdue. For the last week I've been feeling a range of emotions and contractions. Gavin's parents came to visit for a few days and we ate all kinds of delicious food and made sure to get out of the house some instead of just sitting around waiting for Evie.
Christmas Eve, they went to visit his sister and we headed to the doctor for a visit. Doc said that I'm 2cm dilated and swept my membranes (I was hesitant about this, but oh-so impatient so I went ahead and let her). I don't know for sure, but the only difference I can tell is that my contractions got a little stronger but no more measurable.
Christmas day I didn't really feel too many contractions but I admit I was distracted by all the celebration.
My mom came to visit a couple days in a row to clean and Gavin helped his friend move. We were expecting one of those plans to set Evie into action, but no, she's comfortable.
Gavin's parents came back by last night on the way back from his sister's and we sat up late talking and enjoying each others' company. They left this afternoon after lunch.
Although it goes without saying that I'm pretty over being pregnant, I still get asked pretty regularly how I'm feeling and I am trying to answer patiently. I don't know what else to say, so I know I sound like a broken record repeating, "Ready when she is!" and, "Tired, but she's gotta come out eventually, right!?"
So sorry if you're reading this and tired of hearing the same answers. It's true though, what I say.
I have also been bombarded by everyone's favorite way to induce labor. Walking, sex, spicy food, pineapple, bouncing on a ball, orgasming, yoga, castor oil, even smoking pot. I haven't tried it all obviously, but I imagine that none of it has been proven to induce labor and I'm not going to endanger myself or Evelyn for something that must eventually happen.
My mind is pretty disorganized, as you can probably tell from this really thrown-together post, but I wanted to make one since I have the time. Thanks for reading!

Due Date!!

I woke up this morning to snow flurries outside my window. Gavin asked for a ride to work and on the way home the snow turned to rain. But the drive out was very beautiful.
I have been waiting for this day since I first saw those two pink lines. I am a little disappointed that nothing seems to be happening, but no baby ever comes on their due date, right? And here I thought little Evie would get here early! I should have known she'd hang in there. I don't blame her, though. It IS chilly out here.
It seems like everyone has a little advice on how to bring about labor. Pineapple juice, yoga, sex, pumping...you name it. My step-mom told me the only thing she had to do was make plans and BAM my sister was ready for the world. So maybe I'll make plans for this evening. Gavin's parents are coming in for the weekend, so they'll be around if I need a ride.
I have no idea what to do with myself in the meantime. I have been off of work for a week now and though the beginning of this week was busy with school and doctor appointments and taking my little kitten Sam to get neutered, the plans I made for the last few days were all put off so I wouldn't worry about being too far from home if I went into labor. But maybe I should've kept them!
Last night I watched Gavin finally get into a nesting state of mind. We began by putting up the mirrors in the bathroom. They looked super nice, so he kept his hammer and nails out and started hanging up all the pictures and posters we've been putting off hanging since we moved in. Now every wall in our house has a little something on it. We got the place cleaned up in the last few days, so I have no cleaning to do. The early arrival of the dryer allowed us to get all of the clothes washed and dried as well. So here I sit.
I hope its not this dull after Evelyn gets here. I know she will be sleeping a lot to begin with, but I hope I can still find things to do. Maybe I'll listen to every record we own. TV doesn't keep my attention that well, though I am slowly making my way through the Gilmore Girls series. I'm on season 5 currently and I've decided that after its over, I'll either take a break from Netflix entirely or only watch it when breastfeeding.
Well, time to find something to do!

Numbers

Nine days til the due date.
Two shifts left at work.
One more session of class.
Two weeks until Christmas.

My heart is racing and my head is spinning. Every time I think about how by this time next month I will be holding my little girl in my arms, I let out a little squee. I can't believe how fast time is flying. It feels like just yesterday I was panicking about what stuff she would need. And now here I am, nursery completed, bug-out bag packed, car seat installed and house in relatively baby-ready condition. Is this real? IS IT REAL YET? (As Gavin would say).
I keep trying to picture what the next few months will be like on a daily basis. When she finally arrives, of course I will be surrounded by all my family and friends who are so eager to help out. But after the freshness wears off and it's just me and little Evie each morning, will I be waking up at the crack of dawn? Sooner? Will we snuggle on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls while I breastfeed and what about on Gavin's days off? Will we be doing all the exploring that we have been planning? I really hope Evie likes the Ergo, because that is what I plan to use when we go out into the woods! :)
I wonder if we will get stir-crazy being inside or if each other's company will be just the right balance. Will I all of a sudden have the motivation to be the super-housekeeper I always dreamed of being? I wonder if she will appreciate listening to all of Gavin's records. I wonder if we will spend more time in her room, my room, the living room? How are the animals going to accept her? Well, I hope. They like her stuff for sleeping so far. I dream of holding her.

I would like to apologize for not writing as much. If you could see the position I'm in right now, you'd laugh. My laptop is in my lap, but my arms are wrapped way around my big belly, barely reaching the keyboard. It's a struggle, I tell ya.
Hopefully there will be time to keep up with this after she is born.