7 months!

I know I just posted about my PPD/A, but I figured I would balance out the serious with a happy post.
Evelyn has been making great strides lately, including learning to crawl, pulling up/climbing and standing while holding onto things. It is insane how much she has accomplished in the last couple of weeks.

She enjoyed the playground even though she's still too little to really ride the slide.

We've been trying to live cheaply because that will help me stay home with her longer, so our adventures have been to museums and parks lately. Whenever we visit a museum, aquarium or what have you, we keep an eye out for cool patches for the Ergo. She has quite a few so far and we're running out of room to sew them on, so pretty soon we might have to find her something else to put them on. 

This past week or so, Evie has entered into leap 6, which basically means she's become a velcro baby. She can't be out of eyesight at all and most of the time has to be within reach or actually attached to me. Babywearing makes my life so much easier, but this is still tough.

We've been reading Evie books every night before bed. She gets a few board books or a couple big stories and the last few nights we've been reading her a book on animals in the Pacific Northwest. She doesn't yet pay much attention to them, mostly she tries to eat them, but even so it is a fun settling activity. 

Evie now has 3 teeth. Oddly enough her 3rd tooth is one of the top lateral incisors (tooth beside the front two). She uses it to bite hard on my nipples, fingers, dad's hands and baby carrots. She thinks its hilarious when I cry out in pain. 

Her "show off" skills include:

• shaking her head "no" almost on command
• clapping
• crawling
• bouncing on her butt to her hands and knees
• high fives

She's not quite grasped the concept of giving kisses, but daddy taught her to bop heads as a greeting, so maybe that counts for something. 

We've been going back and forth with table food, letting her try some of what we eat (Baby Led Weaning) and then also offering her some purees. She is only mildly interested in those. Mostly she would prefer BLW, but I am a nervous Nelly and I am just not organized enough to nurse between cooking and eating without our food getting cold. That sounds like an excuse and probably is. I'm not quite ready to not be Evie's sole source of nutrition! My body makes the perfect food and what if I don't do so great at making table food meals for her!? I'm a mess, I know. 

Evie's favorite pastime is chasing the cat around the room. And by chasing I mean the cat sprawls a few feet ahead of her, she crawls to the kitty and just as she's reaching out to grab a tail or a paw or a bunch of fur, kitty moves another couple feet ahead. It's quite entertaining and I'm very impressed at the cat's calmness around Evie. It should go without saying that they are always supervised. 

Evie's favorite toys right now are a FP remote that sings a creepy song, her rainbow donut stacker, a fox clip-on rattle, the manta ray her Aunt Aurora bought from the VA Aquarium and (as always) her Pink Bunny. 

On Tuesday Evie will see her physical therapist for hopefully one of the last times. I can't wait to hear what they have to say about how far she's come! :)
Here are some more photos to keep you in the loop. Thanks for reading!

Arm Day at the playground :)

Celebrating 7 months of awesomeness

Being a pirate at the History Museum

Sometimes the used bookstore has boxes of rad toys!

Okay I guess sometimes she pays atention

Big whisk takers.

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness Week!!

When Things Become Too Much

About two weeks ago, I finally got the courage up to see a doctor about my post pardum anxiety and depression. My doctor put me on Zoloft and set me up with a therapist to talk to. I see my therapist on Tuesday, but in the last two weeks on Zoloft I have seen a huge improvement in my outlook on life.
I'm about to get real personal here, so brace yourselves.
In the beginning, when Evie was tiny and fresh, I had this strength that I didn't know was there. I used it all up to get through her NICU stay. When she came home, I rode this wave of relief and excitement powered by adrenaline. I hit cruising speed at about 4 months. In those first 4 months, the pediatrician always had a pre-visit survey to gauge how new moms were doing themselves. I always felt I could answer "just as happy or happier" and "not sad at all". After the 4 month visit, those questionnaires went away. And that's exactly when I began to feel this cloud looming over me.
At first it was just some panic here and there. We bedshare and I would wake up and feel the need to check Evie's breathing. I would sleep with my hand on her chest if she wasn't nursing. Then I started having bad dreams. Pretty soon I didn't want to sleep at all. I would stay up on my phone, distracting myself from sleep because it always meant waking up with my heart pounding and sometimes full-on crying.
The daytime wasn't so bad. I would have moments of panic, but mostly I could distract myself. But even daytime ended up falling victim to my depression. I lost the desire to leave the house at all. I didn't want to stay home either though, because the dishes needed to be done and the laundry was piling up. I couldn't get out of bed til mid afternoon some days. At the worst, I would have only just woken up when Gavin would come home from work.
I confided my affliction to a few people. My mom, Gavin, a couple friends. They told me to seek help, but it's much easier said than done. You see, on top of my depression and anxiety was this fear. Probably from watching too many episodes of Forensic Files. I thought if anyone found out I was suffering, they'd immediately assume I was going to hurt my precious little girl. And I could never dream of such a thing. I thought about mentioning my predicament to the pediatrician at her 6 month appointment but I chickened out. I thought they'd take Evie away. I was scared to tell anyone the deepest, darkest details and I couldn't find that courage to make the phone call.
Luckily, I have one friend in particular who is a real motivator. She helped me figure out who to call and promised me that no one would try to take Evie away over me feeling overwhelmed. She promised me I was a good mom and that it is 100% normal for this to happen. And she was right! One in ten new moms experiences PPD/Anxiety. That might not sound like much, but it is. And doctors are more than willing to help you if you call on them.
In the last two weeks I have watched myself go from the shell of who I used to be to a better me. I know that sounds cheesy. I am not where I want to be just yet, but with a little dosage tinkering and some therapy, I think I can be.
It sure as hell feels great just to be able to sleep again.

Nights Like Tonight

Evie spent most of the day avoiding taking a nap. She slept in much later than normal today so I got time to take a shower while she snoozed away. When she woke up she was in a great mood, ready for the day to start. She happily let me dress her and tuck her into the car seat so we could go to the bank and grocery shopping.
At the grocery store, she greeted all of the employees with shy smiles and giggles. She wooed the florist, the deli clerk and the Starbucks barista. We met up with Daddy, who carried her around the store while we shopped.
At home, she wanted to move move move! She wouldn't tolerate being held even for a moment and refused to go down for a nap for most of the afternoon. She was all over the living room, attempting to pull up on the coffee table and rolling way too close to the vents where I was certain she'd hit her head. By the time she finally settled, her nap was a short one. She woke up within 20 minutes.
We had company, my best friend Molly, in the evening. Evie spread her joy to Molly and snuggled up with her in bed for a real nap.

They didn't know I took this til later.

After they woke up, they hung out and enjoyed each other's company until Molly had to leave. 

For the rest of the night Evelyn has been in this wonderful and giggly mood. Everything is fun. We are snuggling, rolling on the floor and exchanging tickles. She decided to pick a record from the shelf (and it matched her shirt, funnily enough). 

Told you!

Nights like tonight make me so happy. I have all I need in life!

Breastfeeding (and a mini-update)

Evie has started to become mobile, through rolling over and scooting, so I'm finding less time to sit and relax and more time finding ways to entertain her so she will just sit and relax. She began sitting up about 3 weeks ago and has mastered the art of it. As of today, she appears to be entering the fussy phase of teething. We haven't found any tooth buds yet, but her gums have hard spots underneath so I'm assuming that those are her teeth getting ready to explode out and become little razor blades on my just-toughed-up-enough-to-breastfeed nipples.

Speaking of breastfeeding....I realize this is a topic that I have woefully left out of much of my writing. Of course this is all about Evie, but where do you think Evie gets her nourishment!? So let me talk a little about breastfeeding.

In the beginning, it was very painful. Since, as you know, she was in the NICU, I had to pump from the start. I didn't really get a good explanation so my chance of succeeding at breastfeeding went way down. Luckily I was pretty damn determined to breastfeed successfully. I used a nipple shield for a few weeks after we got her home from the hospital and eventually weaned her off of it to go bare nipple. That caused a bit of pain for awhile and really, just now my nipples have toughened up for the most part. I've endured middle of the night "misses" hickeys, chomps from gums and the terrible tearing at my nipples that she has decided is a thing now. 

(With her fingers, see?)

I had an oversupply in the beginning due to pumping and then nursing and pumping when we got her home. I kept up the every-3-hours schedule for longer than I needed to, eventually cutting out the middle of the night pumping sessions out of pure exhaustion. Evie didn't mind, she was sleeping through the night regardless!

I cut back to 4 sessions during the day for awhile and stored up a TON of milk. When I found an opportunity to donate it to help another mama in need, I did it. At that point I dropped down to pumping a couple times a day to build my personal stash back up, but then the mama asked me to be a regular donor. After I had my stash, I donated to her. I had to stop when I got mastitis and started birth control because my supply took a hit, but I started again when it recovered. 

Just a couple weeks ago I met another mama who needed milk and my heart was tugged enough to add in a third pumping session to make enough for her too. All the while feeding Evie on demand! These breasts are going through the ringer.

If there's anything I want to share about breastfeeding, it's this:

1. Moving milk makes milk. If you're worried about your supply, first make sure there's anything to worry about, but if it's confirmed, just pump/feed/pump/feed as much as you can. Your breasts are a factory, not a warehouse. Demand milk and milk will come. Leave it there and it will go away.

2. Pumping doesn't indicate supply. I used to pump 11-14oz in a single session. I donated a LOT of milk then. Now I get anywhere from 3-8 ounces depending on the time of day and when Evie last ate. I have had days where I got barely an ounce from both sides combined. Output depends on a lot of factors, including hydration, if you've been eating enough calories, stress, as well as medicines you may be taking. 

3. Believe you can do it and you can. Seriously. I know so many moms that quit because it was too hard or too much of a hassle. It really isn't. Finding hot water in the middle of the zoo is hard. Popping a boob in a mouth in the food court is the easiest thing ever. Don't give up on a bad day. Get help and find a friend who can help you succeed. Refuse to give up!

nom nom nom

Okay, now I have to cover the formula moms too. As much as I am PRO breastfeeding, the important part is that baby is getting nourishment. Formula gets the job done too, so there's no shame in feeding formula. There are many reasons to do so and not all of them are medical, and that's okay. Love you all the same. :)

Bonus pic of Evie because I am a show-off. :)

Photos part 2

Photos!

Blocks!

Technically shes 4.75 months.

She's a big fan of the blocks. 

SHE'S SITTING UP BY HERSELF!!! :) [5.19.15]

We got some portraits done.

That face!

All the faces, really.

Four generations of ladies.

I love this one. 

:D

Baby in a crate!

<3

Four Months In

I am finding it more and more difficult to secure time to write. It seems that every time I'm inspired to write something down, I'm preoccupied with eating, feeding, cleaning, changing diapers or running errands. I've sort of been keeping a list of thoughts on my phone's memo pad, but I forget to date them and then they're not as useful. And of course when I do have time to write, I develop a massive writer's block. Sigh.
This will be my fourth attempt at a post in as many weeks. There are so many drafts on my computer that I could probably just combine them all and do a quick edit, but I feel like that's cheating somehow. So here is my hurried update before bed:

As of May 1st, Evelyn is off all seizure medication. Can I get a WOOHOO!? We've been keeping an eye on her and have observed no seizure-like activity so far. It took four months, but we did it! She still sees some specialists at the Duke Clinics, but we've dropped the neurologist for now. Over the next year or so, we will be dropping the geneticist, physical therapist and the others as well.
And now to the fun bits!

• As of the last post, Evelyn had begun to hold toys. Well, she's graduated to reaching for toys, picking up toys, and passing them from hand to hand. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's amazing to watch her interact with her surroundings. She loves suck on the ears of her plush Peeps bunny, but she also has started pulling Daddy's beard, stealing his glasses and grabbing at his neck during storytime before bed. He takes it in stride, though.
• Evelyn has completely weaned herself from a pacifier. She will hold it in her hand, but put it in her mouth and she acts like you're playing a trick on her. "This isn't a boob!" :O
• She is still anti-blankets, but we've discovered that her Aden + Anais blankets are acceptable to haphazardly wrap up in. They make great shades for the carseat, too. We got ours hand-me-down from a friend and they were already broken in so nicely. 
• Evie had been babbling the last time I posted, but she is more into raspberries and squeals these days. She likes to throw a loud chuckle out at some pretty inopportune moments (*ahem* the saddest part of the movie The Fault In Our Stars *ahem*). With all her raspberries comes a lot of drool, so we've invested in a ton of bibs. An unfortunate incident with an old bib led to a scratch from the velcro on the back of her neck, so we looked for softer ones and found the Tommee Tippee ones to be acceptable. The padded ring for the neck is awesome too, because that is usually where her now-only-occasional spitup ends up collecting with some dog/cat fur and my ever-thinning hair. All that drool has not led to any teeth though.
• She's figured out how to roll over onto her tummy from her back both ways. I love watching her do this. I'm not sure if other babies do it this way, but Evie grabs her feet and then rocks over onto her side, lets go of her feet and then flattens out. Its adorable, but I'm sure every mom thinks their kid is adorable (duh). 
• Evie is still sleeping amazingly through the night, but now when she stirs to breastfeed at whatever time (we no longer wake up enough to have to check the clock), if I don't wake up fast enough for her, she smacks my breast in her sleep while grunting. Kind of cute, kind of annoying.
• Though she hasn't quite mastered the art of sitting up on her own, she is a big fan of assisted standing. Per the PT's orders, this isn't something I can let her do often yet, so I try not to do it, but she sometimes just straightens her legs crazily and I can't get her to sit until she gets to stand and beam for a moment. I have to admit, that smile does light up my whole world. She looks like a superhero who just saved the city. 
• Daddy's contribution to the list is his favorite development: when Evelyn is in her swing or sitting on the couch against some pillows and he goes to pick her up, she kicks her legs and flails her arms and leans forward. She knows he's there for her. 

For the record: at 4 months, Evie weighed in at 17.5 lbs, 26 inches long, putting her roughly in the 97th percentiles for weight and height. The doctors are amazed that she is fully breastfed because apparently breastfed babies tend to be on the lower end of the charts. I must make whole milk. ;)

It's bedtime, but hopefully I will find some time in the near future to add more. Goodnight readers!