Evie's Birthday and first week

I have been struggling with how to start this entry. It is a HUGE entry that is going to be a very emotional read no matter who you are. Because of the nature of it, this should go without saying that it could be triggering, especially for those who have dealt with infant loss. But before you get worked up, know that Evie is currently sleeping snug and warm.

My induction was scheduled for New Year's Eve. I spent the whole day calmly wandering aimlessly throughout my house and then finally called my sister to hang out and distract me. My nerves were all bundled up and my stomach was feeling increasingly large and in the way. We went shopping at the giant plaza near my house and my sister bought a baby bootie charm for her bracelet, in honor of Evie. I dropped my sister back off with my dad and spent a few minutes with him, getting us both pumped for our new roles as mother and grandfather. Then I drove back home where I met with Gavin, his parents and my mom. We packed up the cars with our bags and I got some last-minute cuddles with my kitties and pups. 

The whole ride to the hospital I felt jittery on the inside, yet calm on the outside. I tried to keep up with the conversation, but was entranced by all the Christmas lights still up around the houses we passed. My back started hurting and I told my mom I was pretty sure I was having contractions. 

Getting ready to check in!

When we arrived at the hospital they checked us in pretty quickly and got me settled into a labor and delivery room. I nervously undressed and put my gown on, climbed under my blue blanket in the hospital bed and put my brave face on as they began poking me with needles for the IVs they'd need. 

Things started out pretty positive. Nervous, but positive!

The doctors came in and explained the procedure of things while setting me up on a monitor. Its mostly a blur during that time. I remember they went over the process of induction and the risks and had me sign some forms. But when the monitor was set up, it was apparent that I was already in labor and that each contraction was causing a dip in Evie's little heartbeat. That's when the C word reared its ugly head. 

I had given a lot of thought to how I expected Evelyn's birth to go. At first I imagined that she would be born like any other baby. I would go into labor at some point, get an epidural and then bam, baby. But throughout my pregnancy I read up on some things and decided I wanted to do natural birth, medication-free. I also thought I would deliver early, because I was certain that the doctors were wrong about her due date. I had not had a period since February, so I should have been due 9 months from then, in November right? And of course then I realized that mothers are pregnant for 10 months, not 9. Strange how that myth has proliferated...

When November passed and December rolled around, I approached my due date with great expectation. Evie would come on time, possibly on her due date exactly. I would have her in my arms, we'd come home and I would begin my new life as a loving mommy. But a week before my due date, the doctors began talking induction. A just-in-case. They wanted me to schedule the induction. I tried putting it off, but I wanted Evelyn to be born before the new year, too, so the tax credit for her would help us float a little longer until I have to find a job again. When I finally made the appointment, the only available time was New Year's Eve at 8pm. That was cutting it pretty close, so I decided to give up my dream of having Evie before the new year. I would settle for first baby of the new year? :) 

Never in that whole time of pregnancy did I consider C-section a possibility or option on the table. I didn't want one, didn't think I'd need one and frankly, I thought only people with type-A personalities and control issues got them (except for emergency ones, which I also wrote off as not-applicable. How could Evie be anything but exceptionally healthy when she arrived?) and I am neither. 

Now that the docs were mentioning Cesarean as not only a possibility but a probability, I began to freak out. The vibe of the room changed in a split second from calm and collected to chaos. I began to cry when they told me that I needed to get a Cesarean. Evie's heart rate was dropping with each contraction and she wasn't recovering enough between the contractions. If we waited very much longer, she could go into serious distress and might not make it. I felt like I was thrown into the middle of a battle, no shield, no weapons, no idea which side to fight for. On the one hand, I had been determined to have as pleasant a birth experience as possible. On the other, if that meant Evie would suffer for my comfort....screw that. I signed the waiver for the C-section and before I knew it I was being wheeled away. I was still in tears and my body began to shake tremendously. I could not for the life of me get control of my arms and legs. The doctors and nurses continued to try to talk me down as we got to the operating room. It was so bright and there were so many people. I was moved to the operating table and told to sit on the edge for them to administer the spinal block. My body was still shaking but I put all my focus into being still. I tried to sing to calm myself down. 

A quick prick and then the drugs began flowing. Soon I couldn't feel my legs. They laid me down and strapped my arms out to the table like Jesus on the cross. I continued to shake. They brought in Gavin, who sat at my head and caressed my hair and attempted to be the rock that I needed. 

He is so good to me.

They took a safety pin and poked me a few times to be sure that the anesthesia was working correctly. Pressure or pain, pressure or pain until it was all pressure and no pain. Then they began to work. The nicest person I've ever met, my anesthesiologist named Dana held my hand and spoke kind words of encouragement to me. Between Dana and Gavin, I made it through the hardest part: acceptance. 

Before I knew it we were ready to pull Evie out. The doctor introduced her in parts, "the head, the shoulders, the baby! Congratulations!" and I was in tears all over again. I did it! I had a baby! They took her away to the other side of the room and thus began the longest ten minutes of my life. 

I looked at Dana and said, "what are they doing? Where is she going?" and Dana reassured me that they just had to clean her off a bit and she'd be back. 

"I want to see her." 

"You will, they'll bring her over."

"Why isn't she crying? Is she okay?" (Panic dripping from each syllable).

"Yes, she's okay. They'll bring her over when she's done."

"Do you promise she's okay?"
"I can't make promises, Sarah."
"Okay, but you would tell me if there was a problem?"

"She's a little stunned, that's all."

"That sounds like kid gloves to me. I want to know if something is wrong."

I can't remember if at this point she told me or if I found out later, but Evelyn was born and did not breathe for the first 4 minutes of her life. When they finally brought her to me, she looked a little stunned, but I was so relieved to have her on my chest at last. 

The next few minutes are a blur as they cleaned me up, stitched me up and I guess at some point wheeled me to the recovery room. My memory clears as we are entering. 8 seconds to midnight, I'm surrounded by Gavin, my doctors, maybe my mom? 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Happy New Year!

Evelyn had decided to come before New Year's after all. (To be exact, Evelyn Marie Maxfield arrived at 11:05pm weighing 8lb 3.6 oz and was 20 inches long). 

I got to hold Evelyn again in recovery and I attempted our first breastfeeding. She latched on and I felt like a champion. After awhile we put her in Gavin's arms where he fed her a bottle and many photos were taken. 

First latch!

My heart melts every time I see this photo.

When her initial bloodwork came back, they told us that her blood sugar was low and she would need to be admitted to the NICU until they could stabilize it, since the feeding and formula did not improve it. I was bummed to hear that she was going to be away from me so soon after birth, but my mommy heart said that it was for the best. Still, I worried that all the soda I drank in the end had something to do with it. I am still not convinced I am not at fault. In the NICU they would also check for infection since she had swallowed some meconium as well.

On the morning of January 1st they were talking about Evie being able to return to me by 9pm. And by just before noon they had decided early afternoon could be feasible. As soon as I was able to get up and about, I was. No wheelchair for me! I walked up to the NICU several times to visit. I talked to her and sang to her and they had me try to breastfeed her again. 

When I had her in my arms, Gavin and I noticed she was twitching her leg. And when we unswaddled her, we discovered her arm was twitching too. Same side. I called the nurse over and asked about it. Normal?

Apparently not. The nurses looked concerned and began talking about it being a possible seizure. They'd run some tests. I tried to stay calm and not worry. I didn't really feel alarmed and I figured if it was serious, I would, right?

They decided to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis and do a blood culture to check for HSV since those are two common causes of seizures in newborns. They sent blood to test for other infections as well. 

The first attempted spinal tap did not work because Evie didn't have enough spinal fluid to draw from. They upped her IV fluids to see if it would help, but it didn't. They brought down the EEG machine to hook her up and observe her. They wanted to see if she was truly seizing. 

Thursday night while I was in my hospital room, the door opened and a NICU nurse wheeled in a bassinet.

"Here's your baby!" she announced happily. I almost exploded with joy. How?!

"She's back? They released her!?" 

"He's all yours!" the nurse exclaimed. (He? It was a mistake they kept making in the NICU, but I figured it was because they are around a LOT of babies).

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe it, I have my little girl back!"

"Girl? Oh my GOSH I am SO sorry, I am in the wrong room!"

Cue the waterfall. My heart sank so low I thought they'd need an archaeologist to resurface it. The nurse continued to apologize and then quickly made her exit. Gavin held me while I bawled my eyes out. Thank god he was there or I would not have made it through that. I am not mad, but I was heavily disappointed. I have made peace with this nurse and I know it will upset people that it happened at all, but I try to give people the benefit of a doubt and forgive them for being human. Everyone makes mistakes. 

We went back to the NICU to stay with Evie and help me feel better. We sat with her so long and every time I looked at Gavin he was dozing off. I asked if he wanted to go back to our room and each time he would say no. I was exhausted but I couldn't bring myself to leave if he wasn't ready either. We both nodded off a few times before I finally took his hand and said, "lets go." He didn't fight it, so I believe we were both trying to stay strong for each other. That gives me hope for us. 

The next morning, we received an update. Evie had suffered 2 subclinical seizures per hour throughout the night. They had started a second anti-seizure medicine (the first began right after her first seizure) and it was keeping her pretty heavily sedated. Her oxygen levels were suffering because of it. I was asked to sign an intubation release in the event they'd need to do one. They warned of the risk of aspiration and cut her off from breastmilk, relying exclusively on the IV fluids. Her heartrate also suffered a drop.

I kept pumping as much as possible. 

At 3pm we had a conference with the doctors. It was mostly to get my mom and Gavin's parents updated so we wouldn't have to worry about relaying the information to them each visit to the NICU. The nurse organized it and I am forever grateful to her for it. She saw that Gavin and I were overwhelmed and suffering from exhaustion and she jumped on to help. 

The jist of the conference was that a second attempt at a Spinal Tap failed. They weren't sure whether Evie was fundamentally lacking spinal fluid or if it was being pushed up into her head, but they wanted to do a head ultrasound to see. In the meantime, she would be given antibiotics for infection. This would necessitate at least a two-week stay. The seizure meds appeared to be working and she was no longer seizing clinically nor subclinically. They wanted to do an MRI on the coming Monday to see if the cause of her seizures would be apparent on the photos. They were going to insert a PICC line to make drawing blood and administering meds more streamline and less traumatic for her. 

After the conference we went down to the cafeteria and ate as a family. I was beginning to feel positive because the doctors sounded like they weren't worried too much. I ate a full meal and then some. 

Since Gavin had to go to work, my mom opted to spend the night with me. While we were talking, she received a call that my grandfather had fallen and was not able to help himself up. They didn't know the reason why he had fallen either, so he was being brought to UNC hospital (we were at Duke). Neither of us got very much sleep that night, between worrying about him and worrying about Evie. 

I was given notice of my discharge orders for Saturday, but they told me with enough prodding, I could be allowed to stay through Sunday. I prodded.

The next morning we were told that Evelyn had had an episode of "non-seizure activity". They hesitated to call it an actual seizure. It was not a fun thing to wake up to, but they tried to get me not to worry about it. Her temperature was dropping as well, so they set up a cooling blanket on the heat setting and got her on it. The heat lamp they had been using would not have been compatible with the EEG leads since they could heat up and cause burns. The first attempt at the PICC failed, but since the neurologist was there to stimulate Evelyn, she was awake and alert. Seeing her eyes open and hearing some coos made my heart melt. Despite the issues she was facing, I felt positive she was on the road to recovery.

Singing to sweet Evie. The nose tube is actually a thermometer placed down the esophagus to get a more accurate reading of core temperature.

The doctors gave me more good news: by 8pm she would be cleared to be held again. They were working on a feeding schedule, but hadn't finished yet.

January 4th:

The doctors let us observe Evie's rounds and had taken her EEG leads off before we arrived. They let us feed her with the NG tube while we practiced kangaroo care (skin-to-skin). Then Gavin got to hold Evie for the second time in her life. She gave him a wonderful smile to show her appreciation. 

Look at that smile! :D

The MRI was on Monday. They had some preliminary results and explained that they weren't necessarily the tell-all. There was a spot. It was small and they weren't sure if it was just a spot that people who have seizures have or if it was caused by the seizure. They told me that there is a chance that Evie suffered from brain damage and that many infants with brain damage caused by seizures still go on to lead relatively normal lives. With occupational and speech therapies, they were just like everyone else. I guess I expected to feel like I was being handed a heavy stone to carry. Ever since I had turned down the genetic testing, I had had this feeling that if I had a child with a disability I would feel resentful of it. But now facing the possibility of it, I felt lucky. Things could be a lot worse, as evidenced by the other residents of the NICU. Evelyn would be a miracle no matter what. I feel shame for ever having worried about her being "different" during pregnancy. Being a parent changes a lot about a person. I have grown so much and changed so many of my opinions and views in such a short amount of time.

Where during the first few days of Evie's life, every bit of bad news sent me into a puddle of tears, Monday turned a page for me. I no longer felt like the world was crashing down and even when being delivered the not-so-great news by the doctors, I managed to keep myself grounded. No more tears or meltdowns. At least not in the NICU. In my room I had still felt the need to process my emotions and that usually resulted in quite a few tears. (Side note: my favorite nurse from the NICU, Rosalyn, saw me crying and handed me "one of our finest tissues": a gauze pad. I am so grateful for the nurses that can manage to bring laughter to an otherwise depressing ward).

Monday also brought the lactation consultant and another attempt at breastfeeding. I had been warned that it was possible for Evie to have lost her instinct to suckle, but it was very clear that was not the case. She did have a hard time latching, but with her first actual latch she'd gotten enough to give herself hiccups. It was the cutest thing watching her get a little latch, get interrupted by a hiccup and let out a long, frustrated (but completely adorable) coo before trying again. The lactation consultant showed me how to bring her to my nipple and squeeze it to fit it into her mouth. I felt like I was going to suffocate her because my breasts were so engorged but it didn't happen. 

Feeding tube held by Gavin.

Gavin and I spent a lot of time with Evie on Monday evening after he got back from work. He had worked an overnight shift and didn't get much sleep when he first got back to the hotel. He dozed off while holding Evie, who was pretty sleepy herself after a dose of the phenobarbital kicked in.

Just a couple of sleepies.

We finally got what felt like a good night's sleep on Monday night. I still had to wake up every 3 hours to pump (and missed my 6am feeding, apparently I turned my alarm off but didn't pump. I only discovered this at the 9am pumping!) but I woke up feeling pretty well-rested. I have considered becoming nocturnal because I know during the day someone will be awake to wake me up for pumpings/feedings but at night I have a hard time getting all of them in.

Gavin had to go to work in the morning and I had an appointment with the lactation consultant at noon. My mom came by the hotel and we took the shuttle to the hospital, arriving early enough to spend a little time with Evie before the LC arrived. We snuggled Evie and read her a book and my mom did Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes to her while I took a video.

We spent a good 3 hours with Evie, just hanging out. It was very nice to sit with her and just bond. She made a bunch of cute faces and was pretty alert.

A little before 3pm we were visited by the hospital's Family Support Services rep, who gave us a handbook for discharge and a gift bag with a fleece tie-blanket, a journal and a book about going home. A lot of super-useful information. She also gave us wristbands for the Ronald McDonald room in the hospital. My mom and I went to check it out and found it to be very welcoming. We got a quick snack and sat for a minute. I decided that whenever I can drive again, I'm going to bring a big case of water bottles since they said they don't get enough donated. And when we check out of the hotel, any remaining snacks we have around will be donated as well. 

Mom went to visit my grandfather and I returned to the NICU to feed Evie again and then came back to the hotel to pump. 

This first week has been such a whirlwind, but we made it through. Evelyn is showing many signs of improvement and I am so grateful to be able to stay so close to her. When she is discharged sometime in the next couple weeks I will spend every waking moment (and many sleepy ones as well, I'm sure) making sure that she is covered in love. 

As I look back on the last seven days, I recall all of the hospital staff that were so incredibly kind to us, from nurses, doctors, even the discharge escort was hilarious. I ended up being impressed by every person we came in contact with, whether or not we started off on the right foot. And everyone seemed to fall in love with Evie, too. And Gavin, of course, was my rock the whole way. He did not waver, even once, in my presence. He held me and encouraged me when things were bad, and hugged me when things began to look up. He has truly proven his capabilities in the role of Dad, whether it be through jokes or the gentle touch. I would be lost without him.

My mother and in-laws were invaluable as well. My mom, of course, is my mom. She is the one I can confide in and be open with and she only sometimes oversteps the boundaries that I have set. And we have the kind of relationship that allows me to address that in a constructive way. For that I am thankful. My in-laws have given us every moment of their time, every spare dime they have to make sure that Gavin and I are able to spend the most time we can with Evie. Though it was hard to accept help from them at first, I have decided that I should stop fighting it. She is their first grandbaby and they have the right to put their money and time into whatever they wish. I hope they know how grateful I am.

I try to make sure that everyone knows how much they mean to me and Gavin. To the friends of friends of friends on facebook who have heard of Evie and send their well-wishes and the family members out-of-state that have sent prayers and good vibes and everyone in between, I appreciate you!!

We just can't wait for little Evie to come home. :)

Her second outfit (first one had a poopsplosion!) ever.

Panic and Lemonheads

All day today I have been trying to find distraction. I have gone out to eat, hung out with my brother, cleaned my house, watched Gilmore Girls and I am still 2.5 hours from picking Gavin up from work. Once he is home I can easily be distracted, but all this time to myself to think about tomorrow's induction is driving me batty. 

I really thought Evelyn would be here by now. 

I really thought I wouldn't have to have an induction. Part of me is really considering putting off the induction since it doesn't really make a difference if I have it tomorrow or on the 3rd or the 10th or whenever because she's obviously not coming this year. I only hoped to schedule an induction in 2014 so that she could be born this year and we could use the tax credit to allow me to stay home a little longer. 

Now I'm scared that we wont have that option. And I'm freaking out about money and how we will afford the necessary things we need to survive. 

I know our families wouldn't let us go without and that all I'd have to do is ask for help. I'm grateful for that. But I'm scared that we will be in over our heads. It's time to stop spending money superfluously and focus on keeping the budget. The one I had created when we moved into this house has worked really well for us, but I know there will be expenses I don't even know about yet. And that makes me sweat.

On a brighter note, I'm savoring the last moments of pregnancy by giving in to the cravings. Real Coca-Cola, Lemonheads candies and eggnog by the quart. A funny story about the lemonheads from earlier today:

I had to drive to the other side of town to pick up a keyboard that was being given away for free on a buy/sell/trade site. On the way I passed through something lemon-y smelling and my mind seized on Lemonheads. I have been craving these for most of the last few months, since a trip to Rocketfizz sent me home with some in a bag of assorted candies. I found some at a gas station up the street and bought a couple 25 cent boxes, only to return later to finish buying up their stash. My step-mom gave me some for Christmas in my stocking and they were quickly devoured. When the craving returned today I decided to find some for today and maybe an extra box for the hospital bag. 

The first place I stopped I figured would for sure have them: The Dollar Tree. Granted, it wasn't the one by the movie theater, I assumed they'd have the theater boxes of them since they had every other candy known to man. I was wrong. :( The only Lemonhead candy they had was Lemonhead and Friends bags of smaller bags of candy. Even though it was only $1, I don't think I would like the other kinds. 

The second place I stopped was another little country gas station-esque place like the one up the street from me, but closer to town. I discovered they had ORANGEheads but no Lemonheads. I've never even heard of Orangeheads, but talk about a let-down!

I called my brother to complain about the Orangeheads and the Lemonheads and Friends and he suggested I try the gas station across the street and next to his favorite restaurant. He swore he had seen them there. I believed him and it was just across the street so I went on over. 

GRAPEHEADS. They had GRAPEHEADS. Again, I've never even heard of Grapeheads! But no Lemonheads in sight. 

I finally did find Lemonheads after being discouraged one last time at RiteAid (at least they were just sold out there). Walgreens was to the rescue, and even had them on sale. I bought 3 boxes. 

I hope I still like Lemonheads after Evelyn is born. 

The Overdue Club

I am just a little under an hour shy of being 8 days overdue. For the last week I've been feeling a range of emotions and contractions. Gavin's parents came to visit for a few days and we ate all kinds of delicious food and made sure to get out of the house some instead of just sitting around waiting for Evie.
Christmas Eve, they went to visit his sister and we headed to the doctor for a visit. Doc said that I'm 2cm dilated and swept my membranes (I was hesitant about this, but oh-so impatient so I went ahead and let her). I don't know for sure, but the only difference I can tell is that my contractions got a little stronger but no more measurable.
Christmas day I didn't really feel too many contractions but I admit I was distracted by all the celebration.
My mom came to visit a couple days in a row to clean and Gavin helped his friend move. We were expecting one of those plans to set Evie into action, but no, she's comfortable.
Gavin's parents came back by last night on the way back from his sister's and we sat up late talking and enjoying each others' company. They left this afternoon after lunch.
Although it goes without saying that I'm pretty over being pregnant, I still get asked pretty regularly how I'm feeling and I am trying to answer patiently. I don't know what else to say, so I know I sound like a broken record repeating, "Ready when she is!" and, "Tired, but she's gotta come out eventually, right!?"
So sorry if you're reading this and tired of hearing the same answers. It's true though, what I say.
I have also been bombarded by everyone's favorite way to induce labor. Walking, sex, spicy food, pineapple, bouncing on a ball, orgasming, yoga, castor oil, even smoking pot. I haven't tried it all obviously, but I imagine that none of it has been proven to induce labor and I'm not going to endanger myself or Evelyn for something that must eventually happen.
My mind is pretty disorganized, as you can probably tell from this really thrown-together post, but I wanted to make one since I have the time. Thanks for reading!

Due Date!!

I woke up this morning to snow flurries outside my window. Gavin asked for a ride to work and on the way home the snow turned to rain. But the drive out was very beautiful.
I have been waiting for this day since I first saw those two pink lines. I am a little disappointed that nothing seems to be happening, but no baby ever comes on their due date, right? And here I thought little Evie would get here early! I should have known she'd hang in there. I don't blame her, though. It IS chilly out here.
It seems like everyone has a little advice on how to bring about labor. Pineapple juice, yoga, sex, pumping...you name it. My step-mom told me the only thing she had to do was make plans and BAM my sister was ready for the world. So maybe I'll make plans for this evening. Gavin's parents are coming in for the weekend, so they'll be around if I need a ride.
I have no idea what to do with myself in the meantime. I have been off of work for a week now and though the beginning of this week was busy with school and doctor appointments and taking my little kitten Sam to get neutered, the plans I made for the last few days were all put off so I wouldn't worry about being too far from home if I went into labor. But maybe I should've kept them!
Last night I watched Gavin finally get into a nesting state of mind. We began by putting up the mirrors in the bathroom. They looked super nice, so he kept his hammer and nails out and started hanging up all the pictures and posters we've been putting off hanging since we moved in. Now every wall in our house has a little something on it. We got the place cleaned up in the last few days, so I have no cleaning to do. The early arrival of the dryer allowed us to get all of the clothes washed and dried as well. So here I sit.
I hope its not this dull after Evelyn gets here. I know she will be sleeping a lot to begin with, but I hope I can still find things to do. Maybe I'll listen to every record we own. TV doesn't keep my attention that well, though I am slowly making my way through the Gilmore Girls series. I'm on season 5 currently and I've decided that after its over, I'll either take a break from Netflix entirely or only watch it when breastfeeding.
Well, time to find something to do!

Numbers

Nine days til the due date.
Two shifts left at work.
One more session of class.
Two weeks until Christmas.

My heart is racing and my head is spinning. Every time I think about how by this time next month I will be holding my little girl in my arms, I let out a little squee. I can't believe how fast time is flying. It feels like just yesterday I was panicking about what stuff she would need. And now here I am, nursery completed, bug-out bag packed, car seat installed and house in relatively baby-ready condition. Is this real? IS IT REAL YET? (As Gavin would say).
I keep trying to picture what the next few months will be like on a daily basis. When she finally arrives, of course I will be surrounded by all my family and friends who are so eager to help out. But after the freshness wears off and it's just me and little Evie each morning, will I be waking up at the crack of dawn? Sooner? Will we snuggle on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls while I breastfeed and what about on Gavin's days off? Will we be doing all the exploring that we have been planning? I really hope Evie likes the Ergo, because that is what I plan to use when we go out into the woods! :)
I wonder if we will get stir-crazy being inside or if each other's company will be just the right balance. Will I all of a sudden have the motivation to be the super-housekeeper I always dreamed of being? I wonder if she will appreciate listening to all of Gavin's records. I wonder if we will spend more time in her room, my room, the living room? How are the animals going to accept her? Well, I hope. They like her stuff for sleeping so far. I dream of holding her.

I would like to apologize for not writing as much. If you could see the position I'm in right now, you'd laugh. My laptop is in my lap, but my arms are wrapped way around my big belly, barely reaching the keyboard. It's a struggle, I tell ya.
Hopefully there will be time to keep up with this after she is born.

Home Stretch

Gosh, it really does creep up on you! At my 33 week visit yesterday the doctor told me that from now on, my visits would be weekly until I give birth. If anything was going to "make it real" again at this point, it was that! Evie also gave the doc quite a pummeling as he measured my tummy. And this visit, my mom accompanied me instead of Gavin so she got to hear Evie's heartbeat and of course she got all teary-eyed. :)

So since this blog is supposed to have the brutal truth about pregnancy, here are some of the less than sunny things I've been dealing with lately!:
-Charlie horses and foot cramps. I really wish I had been warned about these. Not that there is much I can do aside from cramming down the bananas, but no one ever tells you about this!
-Rolling over is hard! Maybe it is just me. I toss and turn pretty much all night. I sleep on my sides, but I switch it up every hour or so because of the light coming in through the window and then Gavin can sometimes have some stank breath (sorry, Love). In the last couple of weeks it has gotten damn near impossible to flip myself over. It's an involved and sometimes painful experience, especially when I'm covered in our furry family members (which is always. Why do cats love to sleep on my hips so much??)
-Getting up to pee 3, 4 times a night. I guess it's probably more because I get most of my fluid at home after work rather than spacing it out throughout the day. So I could PROBABLY 'fix' this issue easily, but I am lazy. Add to that the fact that the chain on the ballcock (ha) broke yesterday so last night all I heard was running water every few minutes and I was basically up all night peeing.
-Growing the karate kid. Evelyn is the best. She really is. I'm soooo excited to meet her. But damn if I'm not so over the "omg she kicked!" bit. During the day at work it's okay. I like the company. At home, when I'm trying to relax or even sleep, she seems to believe she's training with Jackie Chan or something. I have tried repositioning in case I've just got her cramped up somehow and she's protesting. That does nothing. Luckily, Gavin is usually close enough by that I can grab his hand and place it on my stomach. That almost always does the trick. Good to know she already loves Daddy.
-Sensitivity to sounds/smells. The smells one was way worse in my early pregnancy but is attempting a return with a vengeance. And that's acceptable. I was expecting to be the pregnant woman who spent her entire 40 weeks in near-constant nausea. I was pleasantly surprised to not have to deal with that. But the sound thing? I want to murder the ceiling fan with its slightly-off-balance blades (I think?) and my dogs' wet mouths as they open and close them throughout the night, swiping a tongue across their teeth in the most disgusting way possible. Or my cats' sandpaper tongues as they groom themselves ON TOP OF ME. Even my lil kitten whom I love with all my heart gets an evil eye when he curls up next to my face and purrs with the volume of a stampede of 8-hooved wildebeests. I know, that's dramatic. And my ears even play tricks on me. I think I'm hearing my dog lick herself and it's really just the fan. I shout, "cut it out!" and Gavin laughs and says, "I don't think the fan is listening." Gah.
-Personal space! I grew up in a very hands-on family. Hugs and kisses for every relative and friend! No need to ask for permission, just go ahead and start playing with my hair! I'm OVER it. My personal space bubble has expanded to about 5 feet on either side lately. The only one allowed in without any warning is Gavin and he understands that access can be rescinded at any time. I tolerate my grandma putting the sign of the cross on my tummy and kissing it goodbye each time because, lets be honest, she wiped my butt a lot as a baby, I think I can suck up my discomfort. My mom is pretty good about not putting her hands on me, although for a minute there I was getting jabbed while she attempted to locate various parts of Evelyn. I accept that too, but I'm not as tolerant for her for some reason. (Sorry, Mom). Maybe because we're close enough that I can be honest with her when she's being aggravating. My siblings have been pretty cute about the whole thing. My sister was grossed out when I invited her to feel a kick, my brother was incredibly interested to know what it felt like and was disappointed when Evie wouldn't give him a fist bump. But old ladies, my boss, everyone else can GTF away from me. Or at least ask and then when I give you permission, please keep it short and sweet and don't just poke at me. That is not how you feel a kick.
-I don't know if this counts, but I am less than pleased with my general mood lately. I am more irritable now than I have been the entire pregnancy. Inside I'm like "I'm in a great mood! So excited to see you!" but on the outside I look like someone just left a flaming poo on my porch. I have been shying away from making plans with people because it takes me a good 30 minutes to get comfortable enough to open up and not feel like I'm bringing down the party because I'm pregnant. (Why does that feeling even exist?)

I guess that is all for now. I wrote this at work, so it may get edited later!

The nursery, gifts and a little tangent on parenting

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've been spending a lot of time getting the nursery ready for little Evie. When we moved into this house, we knew we wanted our room to be the one beside hers since it would be easier to not have to cross the house to get to her at night. This means we gave up the master bedroom for a smaller room. Evie's room is right next door and hers is the smallest of the three bedrooms. It had some water damage on the exterior wall (and yet, luckily, no mold!) which we found when painting, so we had to tear out the paneling and insulation and replace it. We are still working on the walls, trying to figure out how we want to do the colors, but we already built the crib and put some of her furniture and other essentials in the nursery. It's quite pretty, actually!

It only took us like 3 hours, but we got the crib put together. The top rail is not flush with the side, but that doesn't appear to alter the structural integrity of the crib.

We have also been getting a ton of donated hand-me-downs from friends, family, neighbors and even some strangers! It's funny because I was a little worried that Evie was going to be the baby with a small wardrobe, but as it turns out, you can barely mention you're expecting and people throw clothes at you from every direction. I feel very lucky for this. I also feel lucky to have a friend who is ten weeks behind me that I can pass all of the love onto when she gives birth!

Some gifts: Headbands from a mommy friend, onesie and handmade book from one of Gavin's BFF's and the Counting Kisses and Curious George book and onesie are from said BFF's mom (whom I have never met!)

Other than that, I've mostly been spending my time having the senioritis of pregnancy. Third trimester impatience? Every day I work, every class I push myself in the doors. I spend a lot of time thinking about holding Evelyn in my arms and smelling the top of her head. Is there anything quite like the smell of a newborn baby? I cannot wait for her arrival.
I've also been perusing the Mom groups on Facebook. Some of the moms seem pretty confident in their parenting. I guess by the 3rd, 4th, 5th baby you have got to have a handle on how to answer their little curious questions ("Where do babies come from?¨ and "why does little brother have a tail on the front?").
I don't think anyone ever becomes a pro at being a parent, though. From what I've learned being a part of a large and pretty diverse family, you can think you're doing the best job ever and really mess up your kid and you can think you're the worst parent in the world and have your kid turn out to be the most kind and compassionate human being you know. Of course there are the neutrals as well.
I think the biggest change I've gone through during my pregnancy has been realizing that I had a lot of hang-ups. I let go of a lot of stigmas, chose to abandon the judgments I once had for moms whose kids were throwing tantrums in restaurants, running through the neighborhood unattended and touching every single thing in the store. I've made a conscious decision to encourage moms who seem to be trying their best and still failing to improve their day.
So far, I have only really had one opportunity to do this. It was in the Target bathroom a few months ago. A little boy had not wanted to wash his hands, kicked the pipe under the sink in frustration and the cover fell off, pouring water all over the floor. Immediately he sank into a puddle of tears (and sink water). His mom was caught between gentle parenting and getting the message across that kicking things was unacceptable. It was a struggle. I totally understood that. As I washed my hands I turned to her and I said, "You're doing a really good job, I promise. This is just one of those days and you'll get to the other side of it. You're doing the best you can," and then I took a paper towel, dried my hands and waved goodbye to the boy in the puddle, still wiping his tired eyes. The mom smiled and thanked me.
We are all fighting the same battle. To try to raise children with love, respect, compassion and strong hearts, intelligent children that will know how to solve the problems of the world one day is our optimum outcome. When I see people scoffing and rolling their eyes at the mom who is singing to her breastfeeding baby on the bus, I just want to shake them. "Do you really have room to judge anyone!?" And don't get me wrong. I still catch myself shaking my head at the lady who is dousing her child in hand sanitizer before putting him in the grocery cart. I have my reasons for being annoyed by that (mostly scientific, killing ALMOST all the germs leaves only the strongest germs to procreate and make stronger germs) but I'm trying hard to just let it go. Maybe her child has a weak immune system and even those weak germs destroyed by sanitizer would have been devastating to his little body.
I have a long way to go, still. I think we all do. But if we really think about it and try to put forth a conscious effort, I think we can be okay with each others' parenting methods and raise some pretty awesome future adults.