Abolish Sanctimommy!

Happy 11 months Evie! :) Mommy loves you!

As we enter Evie's 11th month Earthside, I would like to talk about that pesky thing we all love to call Sanctimommy. That "I can raise my child better than you can raise yours" attitude. It's despicable, really, but we're all guilty of it.
Did you know that before I became a mom I was an expert on how to raise everyone else's children? It's true, I knew everything. I knew if I were put in charge of Betty's bedtime, she'd be asleep by 7pm every night. None of this waking every 2 hours crap. Can you believe it? Yeah, me neither.
And here's the thing: when Evie came home and was an excellent sleeper from the start, that sort of cemented my confidence that I was just really really good at parenting. What a load of crap, huh?
The truth is, Evie is just a really good sleeper. She's a pretty good kid, too. Not too many tantrums (yet) and she is very laid back. It took me a long time to get a reality check. And it wasn't even like an all-at-once thing, either. But now that I've "woken up" I can see just how useless and actually detrimental it is to think that only your way is correct.
Whenever you try to convince a mother that her choices are wrong, you're undermining her confidence in mothering. That is extremely harmful and can be a huge contributing factor to postpartum depression as well as anxiety. You're telling her that she's not good enough.
I know that in general, women aren't going up to other women in grocery stores and telling them how to get their child up out of the temper tantrum on the floor. I can see it happening occasionally, but I think one of the few benefits of being an isolated society (we'd rather look at our phones than at each other) is that we tend to stay out of others' business when it doesn't concern us. But put those same moms in a facebook group and all hell breaks loose. Other places we face this criticism are from friends and family members. Your own parents might be talking down to you at this moment, telling you they did not raise you to coddle your infant and pick him up at every whimper. To that I say: If they truly believe they were capable parents, then they should trust the product of their parenting to make responsible decisions, even if they do not match the choices they themselves (would) have made. It's as simple as that. Your mom may not believe in extended breastfeeding, but she taught you to take care of your child, to meet their every need and to be there for them. Your interpretation of that may be different than hers and that's okay.
As for me, I am making conscious decisions about what I say and how I say it. I don't always agree with every choice I see moms of older kids making, but I know that until I'm faced with their particular situation, I have no actual clue as to how I will respond. My views often change, as evidenced by my previous posts. And for babies Evie's age and younger, well, the same is true. And just because I have faced certain situations and handled them differently doesn't mean my way would have worked for other parents.
So think twice when you decide to voice your opinion to a mom who may not have even asked for it. And when they do, be gentle, graceful and understanding. Try to put yourself in their shoes, but know that even in doing so, you cannot begin to understand who they are.
Love to all,
Sarah