Catch-up & Flashback

Before I begin the meat of this post, I thought I'd catch us up on some things. First, I developed my first bout of mastitis on March 30th. I had gone hiking with Gavin, my brother Jake and his girlfriend Meli at Duke Gardens. Evie didn't want to nurse much the whole time we were there so when I finally got home to nurse her, it was probably too late. I pumped 13 ounces after she had eaten, took a hot shower and went to bed. I developed shivers as soon as I laid down and woke up with a terrible fever in the night. The next morning my breasts were bright red so I called the doc. I'm still on the antibiotic, which is 4x a day for two weeks (whew!).


Some new developments for Evie:

• You're having grumpier days. Now that you're off one medicine, theres less to sedate you so more awake time means more time to be fussy. 
• You've started holding things. My hand when you nurse, your paci when it falls out, toys that are around you. You pull your blanket to your face and suck on your burp cloths. 
• You have a give or take attitude when it comes to your pacifier. This is good, because your brother dog has decided they are delicious. 
• You're not a fan of blankets/sheets/anything on your legs. You tolerate pants for awhile each day, but inevitably you end up in bed naked except for a diaper. I don't mind, I love looking at your little dinner rolls. 
• You're a Chatty Cathy and a Nosey Nelly. You'll talk to anyone who'll give you the time of day and in the car today on the way home from the mall with your friend Salem, you had to be leaning wayyy over to see what was going on in her car seat. 
• You've begun to drool a lot more and suck in your bottom lip (a la Cabbage Patch Kids) and we're pretty sure that means you're going to cut teeth soon. (Save the nipples!)

And now for the real reason for this post.

Last week I got a call from a nurse in the NICU. She said there was milk left over from Evie's stay and that I could come get it on Monday. Since Gavin had to work overnight Sunday into Monday, Evie and I spent the night with my mom and on Monday afternoon we headed to Duke Hospital.

My mom pulled into the loop and I looked up at the building, experiencing the first of many unexpected emotions. Was it dread? I'm not sure. The feeling stuck with me as I walked through the lobby, eyeing all the patients and family members I passed. At the elevators I had almost forgotten which button to press, but it came back to me. The nurse at the NICU desk was the same nurse I'd spoken to dozens of times but she didn't recognize me. I could still hear the echo though, "Nurse for Baby Johnson? Mom is here. Okay, Sweetheart, go on back."

I heard her go through the same routine with a couple other parents while waiting for the Charge Nurse. I saw parents who looked like I'd looked, weathered and weary and tired yet still strong. A couple wearing matching Superman T-shirts reminded me that Evie is one of the lucky ones. I think when you get to the point of wearing matching T-shirts, your baby has probably been there awhile and is probably going to continue to be there awhile longer. 

Finally the nurse rolled a cart out with three bins of my milk. She picked each bottle up to verify it was mine before handing it to me. It through me back to the desperate every-3-hours pumping sessions in the beginning. Trying to eat, get Gavin to work and take care of our animals 40 minutes away from Evie while still pumping seemed next to impossible at the time. Each drop was liquid gold and I cried over spilled milk over a dozen times. Most of the bottles being returned to me were colostrum. I have pictures on my phone of me, proud mama face on, holding up the 1 ounce I managed to pump while still in recovery. I can get 8 ounces per breast on a good day, now. I packed up each precious bottle in my cooler bags, thanked the nurse and walked back down the halls. I passed the scrapbook of NICU babies for the last time and recalled absent-mindedly flipping through it, wondering if Evie would one day have a page. (I'm happy to say that it's looking more probable every day!)

Walking out of the hospital I knew this wouldn't be my last visit. Evie still has appointments and her pharmacy is in the building, but I still felt this gush of relief leaving. By the time I got back to my mom and Evie at the car I had tears in my eyes. It was such a cathartic thing to be able to say goodbye to the NICU for the last time. And now my freezer is overflowing with the "good stuff". :)