Closing Out 2020

 Sweet Evelyn Marie,

It is early December, but I know myself better than to think I will remember to write this before the new year dawns, so here we are. You're nearly 6 years old now. The last 10-odd months since the coronavirus COVID-19 became pandemic have been a real whirlwind for you, for me, for all of us. I went into a lot of detail on the last update so I won't go into too much more here. Suffice it to say that Donald Trump lost re-election and Covid hasn't gotten any better. There is so so much more I could say, but I am just not up to it tonight. I'd much rather write to you about you.

The other day you lost your third tooth. It was one of your top lateral incisors and you look just absolutely adorable with a little gap in your mouth from where the tooth fell. Your grin charms every room you enter and you are excited for the ability to use a straw without opening your mouth. :)

You've grown an awful lot in the last year and I'm truly looking forward to learning your new "stats" when we go for your 6 year old appointment. At the very least, your hair has grown back out to your shoulders (most of it anyway). 

Your sense of humor is coming along nicely. I get to hear silly jokes about ghost goats scaring themselves in mirrors and cracks about chickens crossing the road. You've even made a few puns. So has your sister, on that note. I'm very proud of both of you and your ability to take things with humor.

You've been writing a lot more lately. You almost never want to read anything yourself, but if you have something you want the world to know, you'll find a way to get it in writing. You sound things out wonderfully and while we have a lot of work to do on spelling, all in due time. 

You've been letting me know your innermost thoughts, feelings and desires and I truly feel honored to have secured that trust with you. I love that you tell me how sometimes you feel like you're dreaming. You get things stuck in your brain at night and just have to come out and tell us before you can sleep. A good hug and kiss, a listening ear and some reassurance later and you're back in bed. 

You're still the best big sister I've ever known anyone to be. You care for Mabel in a gentle but firm, sometimes taunting way, but always with love. You guide her on how to do things correctly and you let me know when she's falling a little on the wayside.

I hope that in your eyes I'm doing a good job. I have hard days where I yell and am not always the easiest to get along with, where I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into your teenage years even, but we always find a way to make up and I hope we always will. 

You're still an explorer of your world. You seek out abandoned stuff just like me and your dad did before you were born. You want to carry vines, sticks, rocks, dig in the dirt and feel leaves on every hike. And we go on a lot of hikes.

We started homeschooling since I last wrote and while we have done so much tinkering to the curriculum and the style of teaching, I think we are doing pretty good. You learn on Mondays and Tuesdays each week and get to play the rest of the days. It gives you a good break between the focused learning and the playing to learn. You're not much for homeschooling in general, though, and you've asked several times about when you'll get to return to "real school". I look forward to that day, too, kiddo, because you really do shine when you're in your zone. 

The cold weather has returned to us and you're disappointed you can't wear dresses 24/7. I try to accommodate your desires when I can, but you don't like wearing pants under dresses, either, so my hands are kind of tied. I have weaned you off of your black and white striped dress, for the most part. We picked out some other nice-feeling dresses and clothes that you can feel comfortable in, including some fuzzy pink pants that make you look like you're a college kid home for Christmas break. Yeesh!

You're still getting more TV than I'm really happy about, but at least its mostly limited to the morning when I'm too lazy to get up yet, the afternoons when I'm making dinner and at other peoples' houses (like our homeschool friends or your aunt Aurora's) and I don't really mind that. You like Bob's Burgers, Trash Truck, Boss Baby and a handful of other obnoxious shows I can't think of at the moment. I'm sure some of them are mildly educational. Most probably aren't though. Oh well. It's a pandemic, after all. 

You're getting more and more into my own music taste, probably since that's all you hear. Regina Spektor, JJ Heller, Frankie Cosmos, and Lenka are just a few of the artists you request to listen to in the car, before bed or just bumming around at home. 

You're still very much into fairies, although I think you've come to terms with not being one yourself. You squirrel away the recyclables that you go through throughout the day and bring them to a part of the yard that you call your "fairy land" and as far as I can tell, it's a magical place for fairies to gather. I love your sense of magic about the world and that you're willing to share it with Mabel when she shows interest too.

Despite the precautions of social distancing in place, you're still quite social and introduce yourself to just about anyone we interact with from the startbucks barista to the homeless man on the corner begging for change to the dad of the little boy you met at the playground. You have never met a stranger and while this socially-anxious mama freezes up a lot when you introduce yourself and Mabel and tell everyone your ages and where you live, I suppose I wouldn't have made some of the friends I have without you. So thank you, my dear, for being your outgoing self. 

Speaking of people experiencing homelessness: you have often asked what their signs say and depending on the answer, you either tell me we should help them with change or cash or tell me how much you wish you could help everyone. You have a really good heart. I try to let you have the cup holder change whenever I can and with your mask on, you're allowed to hand it out the window to the people on the corners. I struggled a lot with whether to give you the insight I have of some of those people being grifters, but I recall your Granny helping strangers and why discourage it?

Your grandma and grandpa on Dad's side live with us now. I can't remember if I mentioned that they were moving in before. They've been here since September and you are loving it. We try to make sure we aren't all up on each other in this house, which can be difficult, but Grandpa Max has said that hearing yours and Mabel's squeals while he works in the home office warms his heart. He's been waiting for this for a very long time. 

He's taught you quite a bit about Jesus, God and all of that stuff. Not being religious myself I had some issues with this, but ultimately concluded that the decision of whether you should believe in that or not lies solely with you and as long as we all own our beliefs, I don't mind if he tells you the stories from the bible. And you do like to hear them. It encourages a lot of conversations between us too. I am often in awe at how your mind thinks and what what you hear turns into when you repeat it back. It's very fascinating.

You're completely asleep at the top of your bed with your sister sprawled out beside you with no pillow at the moment. In just a few short hours you'll be at my side asking me to make breakfast for you or which carton is the whole milk, so I better wrap this up. 

I love you more than life itself. I love you from the top of your head to the bottoms of your feet and to the moon and back. You've made me so happy to be your mom and even when I feel stressed and frazzled to my breaking point, you find a way to bring me back down to earth and I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for being the kid that made me a mom and if I forget to write again around your birthday, Happy early Birthday, Kiddo. I hope six brings you so many adventures. 

A 2020 update

 Evelyn Marie!! You are now 5 years, 7 months and 11 days. I can't believe how this year is going. Back in January I had no idea what we would be facing. We had been hearing murmurings of a new virus that was going around in Wuhan, China. The world began to panic a little, but no one expected things to get so out of hand. Before we knew it there was a global pandemic. Schools shut down and you didn't get to finish your preschool year. It was a really big change for you and by zoom calls and curbside, social-distancing visits from your teacher, you somehow managed to adjust to our new normal. Not that anything feels normal yet. 

    For a time the shops were all closed, playgrounds, even the beaches were restricted. We were relegated to the woods and neighborhood for walks to get time outside. A bunch of businesses started giving out free printables for kids, or free subscriptions to their learning apps. People bought all of the toilet paper in hordes. I still don't understand why. 

    When the virus started exploding in America, we were all encouraged to wash hands, wear masks and stay away from crowds. So many people complied readily, because, of course! It's for the greater good! But a lot of people also decided not to. They claimed mandating masks was taking away freedom. Because of that, the virus got a foothold in America. 

    We are about 4 months in and the numbers continue to rise. At the beginning of the pandemic I took screenshots of the ticker to watch it grow and remember this time.  I began screen-capping at 218k cases on March 18th. On April 1st we reached 932,605 cases worldwide. As of today, August 11, 2020 the world has 20 million cases and still grows. 736,254 people have died from the coronavirus known as Covid19. I cannot fathom how we have let it get this bad, but a lot of people hold our president accountable for the state of things. He has done a lot to make things worse when given options to make things better. 

    We are currently in Phase Three of our reopening plan. Most of the businesses have returned to normal operating hours, though some have senior or immuno-compromised hours. Masks are mandated inside all businesses. Some stores are giving single-use masks out, but plenty of shops are selling them as well. The sewing guild in the area took to the task of making several hundred, if not thousands of cloth masks, buying up almost all of the cotton cloth from the local fabric store! Dad brought home a bunch of masks for us and you and Mabel did not put up much of a fight to wear them. I'm so proud of you guys. Mabel also has really gotten into hand-washing as well. 

    Schools here in Norfolk are going virtual for the 2020-2021 school year, but we have decided that all of that screentime would do you no favors so we have joined with one other family to take turns homeschooling you and their 5 year old son. I have had way too much fun planning the curriculum and setting up our classroom. I am excited to give you some semblance of normal in a time where everything feels so out of whack.

    I mentioned that screen time would not be beneficial to you, but in complete honesty, most days you are getting more than a couple of hours of screen time anyway, and none of it is educational. Unless Captain Underpants actually relays some sort of education that I haven't noticed (and that is entirely possible because I pay zero attention while its on). I have struggled a lot with this transition and all the changes we have had to our lives. Where we used to go thrifting often, we no longer do so. The museums, aquariums, zoos, etc all have scheduled visits now and I don't typically operate well by planning ahead. I'm hoping that schooling with another mom will help keep me on track. 

    At the beginning of the pandemic I signed on to found a local chapter of the Free Forest School. I got so excited to do this. I was eager to get you out to the woods and among other children and set you free to explore. Covid put that plan on hold indefinitely. I still bring you to the woods often, but it just isn't the same as what I had envisioned for you. The FFS is going through a lot of change itself, with some focus on how they are creating an inclusive environment for people from all backgrounds. 

    Around the end of May, a Black man named George Floyd was killed by police over a counterfeit twenty-dollar bill. They knelt on his neck for over 8 minutes as he cried out, eventually suffocating him to death. Protests erupted around the country, and then the world. The Black Lives Matter movement that started after the shooting of Trayvon Martin by a man named George Zimmerman in July 2013 and has repeatedly resurfaced with each murdered Black man, woman or child, reemerged once again. While we did not go to any of the protests, we supported the movement financially and through our actions. You and I had a talk about Trayvon Martin and ever since, whenever you want to talk about him again, you ask about "the boy in the hoodie with the skittles". We have had many conversations about race, privilege, our duty to bring equity to the world and hold others accountable as well. It's a work in progress and I hope that you do a better job than I have done so far, though I'm trying. 

    The police murdered more than George Floyd this year and like Covid, the numbers continue to rise. Breonna Taylor was sleeping when her apartment was sprayed with bullets, killing her. Looking back through the news reports, several Black folks have been murdered over the years without ever committing a crime, but those who were committing a crime still deserved justice to be applied through the system and not dealt by a bullet. My heart aches for the families of those who have laid their loved ones to rest knowing that the police may never be held accountable for their crimes. 

    2020 has handed us a big pile of steaming poop, but at least the year seems to be flying by. Normally I would not be so excited, but it's been an awful year for our country and it is election year! There is a whole can of worms I could open on how that may be handled with Covid going on, but maybe I'll save that for a different post. Suffice it to say that our president has already hinted that he may try to delay the election. That should tell you enough about who he is. I'm almost glad that you probably wont remember this time too in-depth because it might horrify you to know what we are dealing with. I can only hope that by the time you read this, things have gotten much better. 

    I haven't yet written about you, which is really the point of these letters, so lets get down to it. You are a magical kid. You are still very much into fairies and ask me regularly whether you are a fairy. You wear a fairy costume with a dress and wings, receive fairy mail and read fairy books. You are also into playing cafe and often ask me what I'd like to order. You got a bike a few weeks ago and though it's been too hot to really take it for rides, you do roll around on it inside and I think when fall arrives we will have a lot of fun taking it out on the sidewalks. 

You're a really good eater. It took forever to get here, but you're willing to at least try a bite of pretty much everything we put in front of you. And sometimes you surprise yourself by liking it! 

I'm doing everything I can to promote curiosity and an adventurous spirit within you and Mabel. When we find small things outside, we bring them in to check them out under the microscope. When you have a question, we search together for answers. You're really into experimenting right now, so I've been working on teaching you the scientific method. It makes my heart so happy to see you immerse yourself in a project. You say "experience" instead of "experiment" too, which is super cute. 

You are really into picking your own clothes these days, so 99% of the time you end up in a dress. Probably 30% of the time it's a black and white striped dress that you lovingly refer to as your "zebra dress" and you never want to take it off. I don't blame you, because it looks so comfy. Mabel, your constant companion and wannabe understudy also prefers dresses and is much more opinionated about it too!

You both watch a lot of TV these days. Sometimes its because I'm just not up to momming but most of the time its because its too dang hot outside to try to do anything entertaining. You like Captain Underpants, Oddbots, Masha and the Bear, a few others of which I can't remember the names. You're still into Jurassic Park and at least once a week you and Mabel duet the title song. It's still as cute as ever. 

Music-wise you are into Elizabeth Mitchell, Caspar Babypants, Disney songs, plus a bunch of songs Dad puts on the Alexa for you to dance to. Every night you and Mabel ask for music to fall asleep to, but you always end up staying up late enough that the music turns off. Maybe that's for the best. I loved listening to music at night as a kid, but we always listening to classical and I cannot imagine hearing "Under The Sea" while trying to sleep would result in rest. 

You lost two teeth at the beginning of the pandemic. Yesterday you showed me that you might possibly be getting ready to lose a third. Little things like this are enough to throw me for a loop, but just before you lost those teeth, you made the decision to chop your hair off! You went from butt-length hair to a much more manageable pixie cut. You loved it at first, though you've lamented often that you miss your long hair. I miss it too, but I will always encourage you to have autonomy over your appearance and I suppose I don't miss the daily fights over brushing it either. 

While I've been working on this for an hour and a half, I've had The Office playing in the background. You and Mabel are so tired of this show, but for most of America, it's a staple. I laugh when you groan about me turning it on. Secretly you both know you enjoy it as well. Why else would you have bothered to learn the names of the characters? :P

I should wrap this up now as it is almost 5am and Dad or Mabel will be waking up soon. I love you more than ever and I am so proud of who you are. Every mistake you make teaches you a lesson and you carry that knowledge forth. I am ready to see what the future holds for you. 

Love, 

Mom

Five years old

Evelyn Marie,
My sweet little five year old daughter. How has five years passed so quickly? Seems like just yesterday I was worrying about what kind of stroller you'd need. Turns out you preferred to be carried up on my chest. I think you still prefer to be nestled close to me. With Mabel in the picture now there's not as much time for that. She is a little jelly bean.
Last night I took you for some much-needed one-on-one time. We went to the PTA Family Fun Night at your school. There were board games, sandwiches and a handful of other families, but we didn't really interact with any of them much. We played a few games and ate some sandwiches then decided to go home. In the car you told me how special it was to have a time for just you and me. It really made me wish we could have more time together. I miss it so much it hurts.
You're obviously in school now. It's only pre-K but it's at the elementary school and you do things the big kids do like go to the playground, eat in the cafeteria, go to the library and check out books. You're learning a lot. The other day you came home with a hand-written list of all of your friends' names. That was impressive! Your teachers love you. You love them, too. I was worried at first that when you started school you were going to have trouble adjusting. You had only ever had me and Dad! But you settled in nicely and made lots of friends. Your birthday falls during the winter break, so I planned a party for you after break ended. January is so busy it got pushed to February! I hope all of your friends come. If not, there will still be lots of fun to be had. Granny and Mummum will be coming up to see and play with us.
I spend a lot of time admiring who you are becoming as a person. You're strong-willed, but compassionate and you care so much for Mabel. It makes me proud to be your mom. You wake up every morning with sleepy eyes and pull the blankets up tight around your neck. Like mama like daughter. I don't like getting out of bed either! But we do, and you and Mabel sit at the table and eat breakfast, get dressed and get ready for the day. We had been walking to school some days, but the weather got too cold and now we drive. As the teachers open the door at carpool you give me last goodbyes and greet your friends and classmates. You're always happy once we get to school, even if you act like it's a chore to go. And every afternoon when I pick you up, you race to the car with stories of how you got to play at the sand and water table or got to play house or with blocks. And your book bag is always stuffed to the brim with colorful drawings of you and me with hearts and "I love you"s and flowers and all kinds of things that make me smile. When we get home you are pretty good about putting your shoes and coat away, emptying your lunchbox and putting it into the sink and putting your book bag by the front door for the next day. If you have gotten a library book you're quick to toss it into my room for us to read that night. You really are getting the hang of the rhythm of things. You're getting to be a better eater, too. I can convince you to try most things but if you had your way it would be candy all the time. You're such a fiend for candy, just like Meanpa was. And me, too, I suppose. You like to watch television, too. Sometimes I joke that you are a couch potato, but when the weather is so cold and rainy, it's not much fun doing anything else. You like a show called Oddbots which is so mind-numbing for me, but apparently wildly entertaining for you. At bedtime we put pajamas on, read two books, brush our teeth and I carry you to your bed while saying "Choo-Choo!" like a train. I tuck you in, squeeze your hands, give you hugs, kisses and ugga-muggas (also known as eskimo kisses or nose nuzzles) and then you ask me one last question. Sometimes it's, "what are we doing tomorrow?" and sometimes its a little more from left field, like, "are trees nature?" I do my best to give you a good answer, but if I can't, you drift off to sleep considering what the answers could be. Inevitably you have to get up for a potty break or to get some water, so there will be extra kisses. And sometimes you have nightmares, which even the best fairies I could find couldn't prevent. But I calm you down and give you love and eventually you climb back into bed, ready to sleep and start the day over again.
Speaking of fairies, they're your THING. We read fairy books, play with toy fairies, talk about fairies and where they live, what they do, what they think about and you ask me a million and one questions about them. You have a handful of tiny wire fairies that you received for Christmas and between you and Mabel they are the must-haves for bedtime. You both fall asleep clutching them in your hands, hoping to wake up to the glow of them coming to life. I only wish that could truly happen. I remember believing so hard in fairies myself at your age, wishing I could just fly a little bit! Alas, we are mere humans. But dreams are where our imaginations can run free and wild and I hope that some nights you get to dream you are a fairy and playing with your fairy friends.
It's been so long since I thought about this blog and probably even longer since I've had the time and attention to sit down and write a letter. There are several partially-written drafts that I have saved from times where I thought I had more time to write. I may publish them even though they are incomplete. You'll know how busy I was/am!
Anyway, I love you my little Bean. You make my whole heart swell up with such happiness. You're truly one of a kind and I absolutely adore you.
Love,
Mom