Believe it or not, the title is a quote from a relative who I respect and love dearly. But for the record, that's an incredibly rude thing to say.
I am 26 years old. I have tattoos, I am overweight, I almost never get myself very 'put-together' looking for work or anything else. I am almost 11 weeks pregnant. I have had 2 abortions and one molar pregnancy and for a long time I said I didn't want kids. I grew up in a broken household with parents that fought and fought until they divorced. I got passed between parents and grandparents and to be honest, I loved my childhood. I think I had a lot of fun and got a lot out of a shitty situation. But I knew that if I wasn't sure I was 100% devoted to whomever I decided to spend my life with, I wasn't going to have kids because I could not bear the thought of putting them through a split. I worried, also, that any kid brought into this world would suffer a sad future. The way we are treating the world is a terrible thing. I'm not innocent of it either. I don't always recycle, I drive more than I should and I am not always a decent human being to others. I knew that at that point in my life, I couldn't get myself through tough times, much less a little person who needed me.
But then I met Gavin. And we fell in love. Hopelessly, hopelessly in love.
Gavin wasn't keen on kids either. When we first met he said there was always time in the future if we changed our minds. I agreed. Time went by, we married, and then about 5 months in, we conceived! Not exactly on purpose, but we weren't being super careful either. And I have no regrets about that. There are so many different ways to start a family and I don't think our way is any less valid than anyone else's.
Now, I understand that in my younger days I was very clear that I did not want kids. I had many conversations with people who believed I would change my mind. I adamantly opposed that. I really didn't think I would! But my biological imperative got the best of me. I found myself feeling baby clothes in Target and noticing the giant eyes peeping up out of the strollers that passed me on the sidewalk. There was an urge.
So Gavin and I discussed having kids. We decided we could do it.
And then, a few weeks later, we got into a fight that left me feeling uncertain and I decided I wasn't ready. So we stopped trying again.
But we made up and then we decided to take it casually. We would take whatever came at us.
And pretty soon, we got a positive test result.
Even though I knew that it was what I wanted, I still felt anxiety from it. This is not a small change. This is like, the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. SOMETHING IS GROWING INSIDE ME!!! I had a million thoughts running through my head.
So in addition to dealing with the fact that I am now an incubator for a being which I will not meet for months, I have the task of letting people know this.
I should specify that am not a very center-of-attention person. I think at some point I was, maybe in middle and high school, but somewhere along the lines I decided to hit the sidelines and make myself comfortable. At my own wedding I felt out of place being the one upon which everyone rested their gaze. It was a wonderful day and I was surrounded by people I love, but it was very stressful for me and I felt too vulnerable being in the spotlight.
So with that being said, telling people that Gavin and I are pregnant was on the very bottom of my list of things I'd like to do. I told my mom and some close friends and family but I felt weird doing it. I didn't have the confidence I felt like I should have had to say "We're pregnant!" and it came out sounding almost like I was ashamed. And I hate that. I am not ashamed to be pregnant. I am ashamed I don't feel comfortable saying it. I think the root of this is that I still feel like someone is going to say "but you're so young!" or "how irresponsible!" when really, I'm at an appropriate reproducing age and in a very stable relationship. There's nothing irresponsible about it, except environmentally speaking, if you consider the toll humans take on earth. But when you're raised in an era where teenage pregnancy is both rampant and looked down upon and everyone judges everyone else's decisions whether or not they know the motivations behind them, well, it's easy to take it to heart that being pregnant is a bad thing.
The other root I can think of has actually been confirmed. The family and friends that feel the need to call me out on the fact that I once said I'd never have kids. Well, yes, I did say that. I admit it. Most of the people who told me "you'll change your mind" weren't even interested in hearing my reasoning for not wanting kids. If they had, I imagine they'd keep their mouths shut now. I was in a place where kids was not an inviting idea. I have grown and found myself in a more child-friendly state of mind now. I don't think it happens to everyone who says they don't want kids and I would never tell someone that they'd change their mind. But for me, I did. It really angers me that people have to bring it up because they just want to say "I told you so". But I let it go because I am too focused on everything else in my life to explain my reasons now.
Friday, May 30, 2014
The first ten weeks
I almost forgot about this blog! I guess I have a lot of catching up to do then.
Where to start??
Well, let's start at the first positive test.
Gavin and I were coming home from dinner one night and I asked if we could stop by the store. I had been having these feelings that are difficult to describe. A kind of KNOWLEDGE that I've had before. We picked up a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and I decided to take the first one as soon as I got home (even though you're supposed to wait and use morning urine). Well, it turned pink pretty fast. Even though the last few times I'd taken a test I'd been sending it tiny posi-vibes in my head, I never actually expected it to work.
When I saw the pink line I actually felt myself begin to freak out. In a good way? Bad way? I'm still not sure. I took the test out to Gavin and said, "uh, well, we're pregnant." I recall trying to remove any emotion from my voice because I wanted a natural reaction from him, not something biased by my inflection.
"Yeah?" Gavin responded, pretty much as emotionless as me.
Doesn't sound like the storybook reveal, right?
I forgive us for that. We were in shock. And everything in my life has been a little different from my expectations. We're happy now, so that's really what counts.
Fast forward to the following weekend. We had made plans to visit Gavin's parents in Charlotte, but they cancelled on us last minute. We managed to salvage the weekend by going with his sister to a cabin in Roanoke Rapids. We told Aurora because she was questioning the fact that I wasn't drinking. She works in a children's hospital and told us that we should've just told her ahead of time so she could bring a blood/urine test so we could be absolutely sure!
Fast forward again: a week or so later, I went to the doctor's office (without Gavin, he had work). The nurse was kind but I kind of put her off with the mention that this wasn't my first pregnancy, just my first intention to give birth. The doctor seemed to give me a sympathetic look when he asked if I had a partner.
"Yes, my husband is in the picture." I managed to say without being too irritated. Not that it would matter if he wasn't. But I'm sure they were just trying to make small talk.
Our pregnancy = confirmed!
Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I began feeling all the symptoms. (Funny how that works!) I got morning sickness, which is inaccurately named---it's really all-day-long-sickness! Felt HUNGRY all the time and then was exhausted after the smallest of tasks. I got headaches and panic attacks about whether I was eating right, doing enough around the house, etc. I figured myself to be pretty far along (2 and half months, I thought) based on my last menstrual cycle and I panicked about the fact that I hadn't seen an OBGYN yet! I made an appointment with one which they made me wait for 2 weeks to get in, only to tell me my insurance wasn't accepted there. :'( When I found an OBGYN that took my insurance they made me wait another week for an appointment!
Early on, I had downloaded a pregnancy tracker app and joined a forum for newly pregnant women and moms. If you're a newly pregnant woman, I suggest finding one that does not have a forum. From reading what these women were going through, I probably had at least 3 panic attacks in a week. I deleted the app shortly after and decided to just rely on my own calendar and pregnancy books to track my baby's growth.
Before I knew it, the first appointment was upon us! Gavin had taken off work to be there for this visit and I was grateful for that. I answered all the questions asked and as they were setting up the ultrasound system I warned them that I was probably about 13-14 weeks along and I was embarrassed that I had not seen an OB before that day.
Well, they took a few measurements and determined that I was 9 weeks and 5 days in, which was a HUGE surprise. We checked the calendar and figured that I must have barely been pregnant when the tests came back positive!
I got to see my little one on the screen as the technician worked the ultrasound. It was wiggling and 'dancing' and of course it brought tears to my eyes. Holy crap, I'm going to be a mom! Up until that point, it still felt very surreal, like maybe I was dreaming. And even now, I feel like I am still dreaming! I don't know at what point it should feel real but maybe it just comes in spurts until the baby is born.
Since the appointment, I have let the rest of my family and friends know that we are expecting. I've received warm responses from just about everyone I have told (though of course there are always the people who feel the need to say 'but I thought you didn't WANT kids!' as if I forgot I'd said that? Thanks, but your input is unnecessary).
Note: I did for a long time deny wanting kids. I knew that with my personality and laziness in general that kids would be a HUGE undertaking. Well, things change. I also said I never wanted to get married. I can't explain why I had such a change of heart other than it's probably just my primal instinct to pro-create and when you find the person that you love so much that you can't imagine being without them, sometimes you want to celebrate that and make it 'official'. The church part was more for my family than for us. We just needed to look into each other's eyes and say forever.
I also went to see the dentist for a toothache that was bothering me. Turns out the cracked tooth has to come out. The dentist couldn't pull it the day of the appointment, so she prescribed me an antibiotic and codeine (which I had never had before) to tolerate the pain until my next appointment. I had a weird reaction to the codeine and I had to go back and get percoset instead. So now, in addition to my pre-natal vitamins and zofran for nausea, I now carry in my purse codeine, percoset, and antibiotics. Gavin jokes that I am a walking medicine cabinet. I guess so. I don't even like taking pills!
So that was basically the first ten weeks. I'm now in the 10th week heading to the 11th in a couple days. I'm excited, nervous, still lethargic for the most part and still suffering morning nausea, though for the most part the lingering daytime nausea has subsided.
Yesterday I had a few hours to myself at home so I painted my cat laying on a bench. It felt wonderful to get back in touch with my inner painter.
That's all for this post, but I'm going to be writing a second post (sort of a rant, I guess) on pregnancy in general. Bear with me as I will probably get a little carried away, but I think it's a necessary post.
Where to start??
Well, let's start at the first positive test.
Gavin and I were coming home from dinner one night and I asked if we could stop by the store. I had been having these feelings that are difficult to describe. A kind of KNOWLEDGE that I've had before. We picked up a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and I decided to take the first one as soon as I got home (even though you're supposed to wait and use morning urine). Well, it turned pink pretty fast. Even though the last few times I'd taken a test I'd been sending it tiny posi-vibes in my head, I never actually expected it to work.
When I saw the pink line I actually felt myself begin to freak out. In a good way? Bad way? I'm still not sure. I took the test out to Gavin and said, "uh, well, we're pregnant." I recall trying to remove any emotion from my voice because I wanted a natural reaction from him, not something biased by my inflection.
"Yeah?" Gavin responded, pretty much as emotionless as me.
Doesn't sound like the storybook reveal, right?
I forgive us for that. We were in shock. And everything in my life has been a little different from my expectations. We're happy now, so that's really what counts.
Fast forward to the following weekend. We had made plans to visit Gavin's parents in Charlotte, but they cancelled on us last minute. We managed to salvage the weekend by going with his sister to a cabin in Roanoke Rapids. We told Aurora because she was questioning the fact that I wasn't drinking. She works in a children's hospital and told us that we should've just told her ahead of time so she could bring a blood/urine test so we could be absolutely sure!
Fast forward again: a week or so later, I went to the doctor's office (without Gavin, he had work). The nurse was kind but I kind of put her off with the mention that this wasn't my first pregnancy, just my first intention to give birth. The doctor seemed to give me a sympathetic look when he asked if I had a partner.
"Yes, my husband is in the picture." I managed to say without being too irritated. Not that it would matter if he wasn't. But I'm sure they were just trying to make small talk.
Our pregnancy = confirmed!
Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I began feeling all the symptoms. (Funny how that works!) I got morning sickness, which is inaccurately named---it's really all-day-long-sickness! Felt HUNGRY all the time and then was exhausted after the smallest of tasks. I got headaches and panic attacks about whether I was eating right, doing enough around the house, etc. I figured myself to be pretty far along (2 and half months, I thought) based on my last menstrual cycle and I panicked about the fact that I hadn't seen an OBGYN yet! I made an appointment with one which they made me wait for 2 weeks to get in, only to tell me my insurance wasn't accepted there. :'( When I found an OBGYN that took my insurance they made me wait another week for an appointment!
Early on, I had downloaded a pregnancy tracker app and joined a forum for newly pregnant women and moms. If you're a newly pregnant woman, I suggest finding one that does not have a forum. From reading what these women were going through, I probably had at least 3 panic attacks in a week. I deleted the app shortly after and decided to just rely on my own calendar and pregnancy books to track my baby's growth.
Before I knew it, the first appointment was upon us! Gavin had taken off work to be there for this visit and I was grateful for that. I answered all the questions asked and as they were setting up the ultrasound system I warned them that I was probably about 13-14 weeks along and I was embarrassed that I had not seen an OB before that day.
Well, they took a few measurements and determined that I was 9 weeks and 5 days in, which was a HUGE surprise. We checked the calendar and figured that I must have barely been pregnant when the tests came back positive!
I got to see my little one on the screen as the technician worked the ultrasound. It was wiggling and 'dancing' and of course it brought tears to my eyes. Holy crap, I'm going to be a mom! Up until that point, it still felt very surreal, like maybe I was dreaming. And even now, I feel like I am still dreaming! I don't know at what point it should feel real but maybe it just comes in spurts until the baby is born.
Since the appointment, I have let the rest of my family and friends know that we are expecting. I've received warm responses from just about everyone I have told (though of course there are always the people who feel the need to say 'but I thought you didn't WANT kids!' as if I forgot I'd said that? Thanks, but your input is unnecessary).
Note: I did for a long time deny wanting kids. I knew that with my personality and laziness in general that kids would be a HUGE undertaking. Well, things change. I also said I never wanted to get married. I can't explain why I had such a change of heart other than it's probably just my primal instinct to pro-create and when you find the person that you love so much that you can't imagine being without them, sometimes you want to celebrate that and make it 'official'. The church part was more for my family than for us. We just needed to look into each other's eyes and say forever.
I also went to see the dentist for a toothache that was bothering me. Turns out the cracked tooth has to come out. The dentist couldn't pull it the day of the appointment, so she prescribed me an antibiotic and codeine (which I had never had before) to tolerate the pain until my next appointment. I had a weird reaction to the codeine and I had to go back and get percoset instead. So now, in addition to my pre-natal vitamins and zofran for nausea, I now carry in my purse codeine, percoset, and antibiotics. Gavin jokes that I am a walking medicine cabinet. I guess so. I don't even like taking pills!
So that was basically the first ten weeks. I'm now in the 10th week heading to the 11th in a couple days. I'm excited, nervous, still lethargic for the most part and still suffering morning nausea, though for the most part the lingering daytime nausea has subsided.
Yesterday I had a few hours to myself at home so I painted my cat laying on a bench. It felt wonderful to get back in touch with my inner painter.
That's all for this post, but I'm going to be writing a second post (sort of a rant, I guess) on pregnancy in general. Bear with me as I will probably get a little carried away, but I think it's a necessary post.
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