Panic and Lemonheads

All day today I have been trying to find distraction. I have gone out to eat, hung out with my brother, cleaned my house, watched Gilmore Girls and I am still 2.5 hours from picking Gavin up from work. Once he is home I can easily be distracted, but all this time to myself to think about tomorrow's induction is driving me batty. 

I really thought Evelyn would be here by now. 

I really thought I wouldn't have to have an induction. Part of me is really considering putting off the induction since it doesn't really make a difference if I have it tomorrow or on the 3rd or the 10th or whenever because she's obviously not coming this year. I only hoped to schedule an induction in 2014 so that she could be born this year and we could use the tax credit to allow me to stay home a little longer. 

Now I'm scared that we wont have that option. And I'm freaking out about money and how we will afford the necessary things we need to survive. 

I know our families wouldn't let us go without and that all I'd have to do is ask for help. I'm grateful for that. But I'm scared that we will be in over our heads. It's time to stop spending money superfluously and focus on keeping the budget. The one I had created when we moved into this house has worked really well for us, but I know there will be expenses I don't even know about yet. And that makes me sweat.

On a brighter note, I'm savoring the last moments of pregnancy by giving in to the cravings. Real Coca-Cola, Lemonheads candies and eggnog by the quart. A funny story about the lemonheads from earlier today:

I had to drive to the other side of town to pick up a keyboard that was being given away for free on a buy/sell/trade site. On the way I passed through something lemon-y smelling and my mind seized on Lemonheads. I have been craving these for most of the last few months, since a trip to Rocketfizz sent me home with some in a bag of assorted candies. I found some at a gas station up the street and bought a couple 25 cent boxes, only to return later to finish buying up their stash. My step-mom gave me some for Christmas in my stocking and they were quickly devoured. When the craving returned today I decided to find some for today and maybe an extra box for the hospital bag. 

The first place I stopped I figured would for sure have them: The Dollar Tree. Granted, it wasn't the one by the movie theater, I assumed they'd have the theater boxes of them since they had every other candy known to man. I was wrong. :( The only Lemonhead candy they had was Lemonhead and Friends bags of smaller bags of candy. Even though it was only $1, I don't think I would like the other kinds. 

The second place I stopped was another little country gas station-esque place like the one up the street from me, but closer to town. I discovered they had ORANGEheads but no Lemonheads. I've never even heard of Orangeheads, but talk about a let-down!

I called my brother to complain about the Orangeheads and the Lemonheads and Friends and he suggested I try the gas station across the street and next to his favorite restaurant. He swore he had seen them there. I believed him and it was just across the street so I went on over. 

GRAPEHEADS. They had GRAPEHEADS. Again, I've never even heard of Grapeheads! But no Lemonheads in sight. 

I finally did find Lemonheads after being discouraged one last time at RiteAid (at least they were just sold out there). Walgreens was to the rescue, and even had them on sale. I bought 3 boxes. 

I hope I still like Lemonheads after Evelyn is born. 

The Overdue Club

I am just a little under an hour shy of being 8 days overdue. For the last week I've been feeling a range of emotions and contractions. Gavin's parents came to visit for a few days and we ate all kinds of delicious food and made sure to get out of the house some instead of just sitting around waiting for Evie.
Christmas Eve, they went to visit his sister and we headed to the doctor for a visit. Doc said that I'm 2cm dilated and swept my membranes (I was hesitant about this, but oh-so impatient so I went ahead and let her). I don't know for sure, but the only difference I can tell is that my contractions got a little stronger but no more measurable.
Christmas day I didn't really feel too many contractions but I admit I was distracted by all the celebration.
My mom came to visit a couple days in a row to clean and Gavin helped his friend move. We were expecting one of those plans to set Evie into action, but no, she's comfortable.
Gavin's parents came back by last night on the way back from his sister's and we sat up late talking and enjoying each others' company. They left this afternoon after lunch.
Although it goes without saying that I'm pretty over being pregnant, I still get asked pretty regularly how I'm feeling and I am trying to answer patiently. I don't know what else to say, so I know I sound like a broken record repeating, "Ready when she is!" and, "Tired, but she's gotta come out eventually, right!?"
So sorry if you're reading this and tired of hearing the same answers. It's true though, what I say.
I have also been bombarded by everyone's favorite way to induce labor. Walking, sex, spicy food, pineapple, bouncing on a ball, orgasming, yoga, castor oil, even smoking pot. I haven't tried it all obviously, but I imagine that none of it has been proven to induce labor and I'm not going to endanger myself or Evelyn for something that must eventually happen.
My mind is pretty disorganized, as you can probably tell from this really thrown-together post, but I wanted to make one since I have the time. Thanks for reading!

Due Date!!

I woke up this morning to snow flurries outside my window. Gavin asked for a ride to work and on the way home the snow turned to rain. But the drive out was very beautiful.
I have been waiting for this day since I first saw those two pink lines. I am a little disappointed that nothing seems to be happening, but no baby ever comes on their due date, right? And here I thought little Evie would get here early! I should have known she'd hang in there. I don't blame her, though. It IS chilly out here.
It seems like everyone has a little advice on how to bring about labor. Pineapple juice, yoga, sex, pumping...you name it. My step-mom told me the only thing she had to do was make plans and BAM my sister was ready for the world. So maybe I'll make plans for this evening. Gavin's parents are coming in for the weekend, so they'll be around if I need a ride.
I have no idea what to do with myself in the meantime. I have been off of work for a week now and though the beginning of this week was busy with school and doctor appointments and taking my little kitten Sam to get neutered, the plans I made for the last few days were all put off so I wouldn't worry about being too far from home if I went into labor. But maybe I should've kept them!
Last night I watched Gavin finally get into a nesting state of mind. We began by putting up the mirrors in the bathroom. They looked super nice, so he kept his hammer and nails out and started hanging up all the pictures and posters we've been putting off hanging since we moved in. Now every wall in our house has a little something on it. We got the place cleaned up in the last few days, so I have no cleaning to do. The early arrival of the dryer allowed us to get all of the clothes washed and dried as well. So here I sit.
I hope its not this dull after Evelyn gets here. I know she will be sleeping a lot to begin with, but I hope I can still find things to do. Maybe I'll listen to every record we own. TV doesn't keep my attention that well, though I am slowly making my way through the Gilmore Girls series. I'm on season 5 currently and I've decided that after its over, I'll either take a break from Netflix entirely or only watch it when breastfeeding.
Well, time to find something to do!

Numbers

Nine days til the due date.
Two shifts left at work.
One more session of class.
Two weeks until Christmas.

My heart is racing and my head is spinning. Every time I think about how by this time next month I will be holding my little girl in my arms, I let out a little squee. I can't believe how fast time is flying. It feels like just yesterday I was panicking about what stuff she would need. And now here I am, nursery completed, bug-out bag packed, car seat installed and house in relatively baby-ready condition. Is this real? IS IT REAL YET? (As Gavin would say).
I keep trying to picture what the next few months will be like on a daily basis. When she finally arrives, of course I will be surrounded by all my family and friends who are so eager to help out. But after the freshness wears off and it's just me and little Evie each morning, will I be waking up at the crack of dawn? Sooner? Will we snuggle on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls while I breastfeed and what about on Gavin's days off? Will we be doing all the exploring that we have been planning? I really hope Evie likes the Ergo, because that is what I plan to use when we go out into the woods! :)
I wonder if we will get stir-crazy being inside or if each other's company will be just the right balance. Will I all of a sudden have the motivation to be the super-housekeeper I always dreamed of being? I wonder if she will appreciate listening to all of Gavin's records. I wonder if we will spend more time in her room, my room, the living room? How are the animals going to accept her? Well, I hope. They like her stuff for sleeping so far. I dream of holding her.

I would like to apologize for not writing as much. If you could see the position I'm in right now, you'd laugh. My laptop is in my lap, but my arms are wrapped way around my big belly, barely reaching the keyboard. It's a struggle, I tell ya.
Hopefully there will be time to keep up with this after she is born.

Home Stretch

Gosh, it really does creep up on you! At my 33 week visit yesterday the doctor told me that from now on, my visits would be weekly until I give birth. If anything was going to "make it real" again at this point, it was that! Evie also gave the doc quite a pummeling as he measured my tummy. And this visit, my mom accompanied me instead of Gavin so she got to hear Evie's heartbeat and of course she got all teary-eyed. :)

So since this blog is supposed to have the brutal truth about pregnancy, here are some of the less than sunny things I've been dealing with lately!:
-Charlie horses and foot cramps. I really wish I had been warned about these. Not that there is much I can do aside from cramming down the bananas, but no one ever tells you about this!
-Rolling over is hard! Maybe it is just me. I toss and turn pretty much all night. I sleep on my sides, but I switch it up every hour or so because of the light coming in through the window and then Gavin can sometimes have some stank breath (sorry, Love). In the last couple of weeks it has gotten damn near impossible to flip myself over. It's an involved and sometimes painful experience, especially when I'm covered in our furry family members (which is always. Why do cats love to sleep on my hips so much??)
-Getting up to pee 3, 4 times a night. I guess it's probably more because I get most of my fluid at home after work rather than spacing it out throughout the day. So I could PROBABLY 'fix' this issue easily, but I am lazy. Add to that the fact that the chain on the ballcock (ha) broke yesterday so last night all I heard was running water every few minutes and I was basically up all night peeing.
-Growing the karate kid. Evelyn is the best. She really is. I'm soooo excited to meet her. But damn if I'm not so over the "omg she kicked!" bit. During the day at work it's okay. I like the company. At home, when I'm trying to relax or even sleep, she seems to believe she's training with Jackie Chan or something. I have tried repositioning in case I've just got her cramped up somehow and she's protesting. That does nothing. Luckily, Gavin is usually close enough by that I can grab his hand and place it on my stomach. That almost always does the trick. Good to know she already loves Daddy.
-Sensitivity to sounds/smells. The smells one was way worse in my early pregnancy but is attempting a return with a vengeance. And that's acceptable. I was expecting to be the pregnant woman who spent her entire 40 weeks in near-constant nausea. I was pleasantly surprised to not have to deal with that. But the sound thing? I want to murder the ceiling fan with its slightly-off-balance blades (I think?) and my dogs' wet mouths as they open and close them throughout the night, swiping a tongue across their teeth in the most disgusting way possible. Or my cats' sandpaper tongues as they groom themselves ON TOP OF ME. Even my lil kitten whom I love with all my heart gets an evil eye when he curls up next to my face and purrs with the volume of a stampede of 8-hooved wildebeests. I know, that's dramatic. And my ears even play tricks on me. I think I'm hearing my dog lick herself and it's really just the fan. I shout, "cut it out!" and Gavin laughs and says, "I don't think the fan is listening." Gah.
-Personal space! I grew up in a very hands-on family. Hugs and kisses for every relative and friend! No need to ask for permission, just go ahead and start playing with my hair! I'm OVER it. My personal space bubble has expanded to about 5 feet on either side lately. The only one allowed in without any warning is Gavin and he understands that access can be rescinded at any time. I tolerate my grandma putting the sign of the cross on my tummy and kissing it goodbye each time because, lets be honest, she wiped my butt a lot as a baby, I think I can suck up my discomfort. My mom is pretty good about not putting her hands on me, although for a minute there I was getting jabbed while she attempted to locate various parts of Evelyn. I accept that too, but I'm not as tolerant for her for some reason. (Sorry, Mom). Maybe because we're close enough that I can be honest with her when she's being aggravating. My siblings have been pretty cute about the whole thing. My sister was grossed out when I invited her to feel a kick, my brother was incredibly interested to know what it felt like and was disappointed when Evie wouldn't give him a fist bump. But old ladies, my boss, everyone else can GTF away from me. Or at least ask and then when I give you permission, please keep it short and sweet and don't just poke at me. That is not how you feel a kick.
-I don't know if this counts, but I am less than pleased with my general mood lately. I am more irritable now than I have been the entire pregnancy. Inside I'm like "I'm in a great mood! So excited to see you!" but on the outside I look like someone just left a flaming poo on my porch. I have been shying away from making plans with people because it takes me a good 30 minutes to get comfortable enough to open up and not feel like I'm bringing down the party because I'm pregnant. (Why does that feeling even exist?)

I guess that is all for now. I wrote this at work, so it may get edited later!

The nursery, gifts and a little tangent on parenting

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've been spending a lot of time getting the nursery ready for little Evie. When we moved into this house, we knew we wanted our room to be the one beside hers since it would be easier to not have to cross the house to get to her at night. This means we gave up the master bedroom for a smaller room. Evie's room is right next door and hers is the smallest of the three bedrooms. It had some water damage on the exterior wall (and yet, luckily, no mold!) which we found when painting, so we had to tear out the paneling and insulation and replace it. We are still working on the walls, trying to figure out how we want to do the colors, but we already built the crib and put some of her furniture and other essentials in the nursery. It's quite pretty, actually!

It only took us like 3 hours, but we got the crib put together. The top rail is not flush with the side, but that doesn't appear to alter the structural integrity of the crib.

We have also been getting a ton of donated hand-me-downs from friends, family, neighbors and even some strangers! It's funny because I was a little worried that Evie was going to be the baby with a small wardrobe, but as it turns out, you can barely mention you're expecting and people throw clothes at you from every direction. I feel very lucky for this. I also feel lucky to have a friend who is ten weeks behind me that I can pass all of the love onto when she gives birth!

Some gifts: Headbands from a mommy friend, onesie and handmade book from one of Gavin's BFF's and the Counting Kisses and Curious George book and onesie are from said BFF's mom (whom I have never met!)

Other than that, I've mostly been spending my time having the senioritis of pregnancy. Third trimester impatience? Every day I work, every class I push myself in the doors. I spend a lot of time thinking about holding Evelyn in my arms and smelling the top of her head. Is there anything quite like the smell of a newborn baby? I cannot wait for her arrival.
I've also been perusing the Mom groups on Facebook. Some of the moms seem pretty confident in their parenting. I guess by the 3rd, 4th, 5th baby you have got to have a handle on how to answer their little curious questions ("Where do babies come from?¨ and "why does little brother have a tail on the front?").
I don't think anyone ever becomes a pro at being a parent, though. From what I've learned being a part of a large and pretty diverse family, you can think you're doing the best job ever and really mess up your kid and you can think you're the worst parent in the world and have your kid turn out to be the most kind and compassionate human being you know. Of course there are the neutrals as well.
I think the biggest change I've gone through during my pregnancy has been realizing that I had a lot of hang-ups. I let go of a lot of stigmas, chose to abandon the judgments I once had for moms whose kids were throwing tantrums in restaurants, running through the neighborhood unattended and touching every single thing in the store. I've made a conscious decision to encourage moms who seem to be trying their best and still failing to improve their day.
So far, I have only really had one opportunity to do this. It was in the Target bathroom a few months ago. A little boy had not wanted to wash his hands, kicked the pipe under the sink in frustration and the cover fell off, pouring water all over the floor. Immediately he sank into a puddle of tears (and sink water). His mom was caught between gentle parenting and getting the message across that kicking things was unacceptable. It was a struggle. I totally understood that. As I washed my hands I turned to her and I said, "You're doing a really good job, I promise. This is just one of those days and you'll get to the other side of it. You're doing the best you can," and then I took a paper towel, dried my hands and waved goodbye to the boy in the puddle, still wiping his tired eyes. The mom smiled and thanked me.
We are all fighting the same battle. To try to raise children with love, respect, compassion and strong hearts, intelligent children that will know how to solve the problems of the world one day is our optimum outcome. When I see people scoffing and rolling their eyes at the mom who is singing to her breastfeeding baby on the bus, I just want to shake them. "Do you really have room to judge anyone!?" And don't get me wrong. I still catch myself shaking my head at the lady who is dousing her child in hand sanitizer before putting him in the grocery cart. I have my reasons for being annoyed by that (mostly scientific, killing ALMOST all the germs leaves only the strongest germs to procreate and make stronger germs) but I'm trying hard to just let it go. Maybe her child has a weak immune system and even those weak germs destroyed by sanitizer would have been devastating to his little body.
I have a long way to go, still. I think we all do. But if we really think about it and try to put forth a conscious effort, I think we can be okay with each others' parenting methods and raise some pretty awesome future adults.

Little kicks and a very real dream

Evelyn Marie, you are a karate kid for sure. You spend most of your waking hours kicking, punching and what feels like grabbing at my insides. I can no longer comfortably lay on my tummy on the floor or bed to study or play with my pets. But thats okay, because I love your little reminders that you're developing inside my body. Its still a crazy feeling and I dont think I'll ever really get used to that. You are pretty active these days and yet, when the matriarchs of our families try to get a feel in, you shy away. I hope you always make such confident decisions over who gets to touch you!
Last night I had a dream that you were born. Luckily maybe, the dream started after the birth and once you were home. I got to wrap you in the mei tai that I have been dying to use. It was blissfully easy and you were nice and calm and didnt cry at all.
I did get to change a diaper in the dream, but the funny part is, it wasnt wet until I started to take it off of you. Then I noticed you were about to go pee so I pushed the diaper back over you and laughed at my luck of not getting peed on.
It was a short dream, but I woke up feeling so excited for the December day when I can hold you in my arms. Daddy and I are both looking forward to your arrival.
I once lamented that you would have a December birthday because I was afraid that being pregnant during the summer would be miserable. But so far, you have managed to stay pretty well tucked in and so I dont think the heat is affecting me as much as I thought it would. Plus, you'll make a pretty cute pumpkin belly if I decide to go the cheesiest route ever for Halloween.
So you just stay where you are and get your grow on and we'll see you when you're ready. :)

Appointments, moving and the doldrums

Last week was a regular checkup appointment for us. Gavin and I both took the day off work and drove all the way to Durham for an appointment that was....at Brier Creek. Okay, not too bad, we arrived early enough that we had a good 20 minutes to make a 25 minute drive. And they thankfully have a grace period for mamas.

The visit was very basic stuff. We sat in the waiting room for a few minutes, we got moved to a private room after my blood pressure and weight were recorded and then we saw the doc for a few minutes to hear the heartbeat and measure the bump. So far so good. They requested a urine sample, but I didn't have to go when I got there. I asked a nurse for some water but we were through with the visit before she came back with it so I left without leaving a sample. (That night I had a dream they forced me to come back and leave one!) We didn't hear anything new and doc said we were still on track for a healthy Evelyn. 

The day after the visit, Gavin's parents came to stay with us for the weekend to help us move. We moved about 7 miles away from our 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment in town into a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with lots of land and nature. We didn't tell Gavin's parents that we had already done the heavy lifting so they were pleasantly surprised to learn they weren't going to have to be workers the whole time. They rewarded us with groceries and new mattresses for us and the guest room. (We have a guest room!).

We spent the weekend getting minor things done, like unpacking and shopping for new door knobs and such. We ate out almost every meal and by the time they left, I was feeling a salad like nobody's business. 

We spent our first nights in the new house this past weekend and since it is my grandma's old house, I wasn't quite comfortable with us sleeping in her old (the master) bedroom. So guests get the bedroom with the attached bathroom, and Gavin and I sleep in the room beside the nursery. It's so wonderful to sleep out in the country where you can hear the bugs from the porch and the train pass from your pillow. I had a couple good nights worth of sleep and a couple lousy ones (mostly due to our plethora of animals, including a cat that loves to knead my now-doughy breasts!).

Last night was a huge storm and Gavin and I sat on the living room floor, a box in front of each of us, and assembled Evelyn's stroller, bassinet and swing. Sam and Lou, our trusty cats, helped themselves to the empty boxes and the dogs cowered under the bed as our weather alert radio sounded off about flooding, high winds and the possibility of downed trees. I recalled memories from my childhood, sitting on the step to the back hall in my house, listening to the weather alert radio and being just as scared as my dogs were last night. Thunderstorms used to be my biggest fear; now I can lay back with closed eyes and listen to the wind and rain beat down and all I get is peace. The lights flickered a few times, but the power never went out. Thank goodness for that, because this mama has no experience with old houses and almost all of our flashlights are still packed up!

After the storm passed, Gavin made us some dinner and we sat on the couch and watched a show about people finding their first homes. One of the episodes was set in Charlotte where Gavin grew up! The dogs came out to cuddle and we stayed up almost to midnight!

Today I have been experiencing the doldrums. It was back to work for me and the day has been dragging on. All the excitement of the weekend is over and all I can look forward to is my first day of school tomorrow, which to be honest, I'm panicking about because I haven't been in 7 years!

So wish me luck! 

Anatomy Exam Visit-GENDER REVEAL

Yesterday was the anatomy scan visit at Duke. Gavin and I both woke up an hour before our alarms because of how excited we were. We stopped at Biscuitville on the way to the doctor and found a perfect parking spot in the shade right in front of the building. Everything was going so well!
We arrived a bit early so we sat for a few minutes in the lobby and before I knew it we were in the exam room with my skirt pulled down and my shirt pulled up.
The technician was super-friendly and had the gel pre-warmed to go on my tummy. Seeing my little one show up on the screen was the most magical thing. First the technician checked the organs, which all looked good, the limbs which were present and did some measurements of bones and the head. She checked to see if Baby Maxfield had any signs of inheriting the hole in the heart my uncle had or the lung issues my grandfather dealt with. Everything looked clean and good. She ran the camera over my stomach a few times to show me the body and I got to see and feel the baby kick at the same time. Doesn't sound like much but to me it was incredible. I cannot even describe how awesome that was. Gavin was pretty impressed too.
I asked if she already knew the sex from looking at the baby so far and the technician said she did, and did I have a guess?
I squeaked out, "is it a boy?" because let's be honest, Gavin and I both were rooting for a girl, but I figured with my luck we were going to have a boy. We haven't been able to agree on any boys names and then my brother would get to be right, haha.
"Actually, it's a girl," the technician replied and my eyes popped and I turned to Gavin with a big squeal and just screeched, "we dont have to come up with a boy's name! Yay!!!" Silly, I know. But I think I kind of already knew it was a girl so I didn't feel too bad about being relieved that I was right.
So that's the news. We're having a girl. A beautiful, sweet, incredibly wiggly girl. And I can't stop smiling. I thought it would feel more real now that I've seen her move and feel her move at the same time, but to be honest I still have a sort of disconnect with my stomach unless I'm currently feeling the movement. I don't know when I'll feel the reality of it but I hope it happens soon. I'm just so in love already.
Gavin spent most of the ride home talking to friends and family and letting them know. I sort of took my time letting my family know since I had to drive and also I'm really not a big center of attention lover. (Not that Gavin is either, but his family will not let up if he doesn't call them right away, haha).
We are in the process of moving a few miles up the road so we did some more moving after the appointment and then went out to dinner with my dad and his family. We had a wonderful time and trying to sleep last night was next to impossible. Too many little happy thoughts running through my head. But I'm okay with that.

Weekend Adventures

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to get to spend time with family again, starting with my mom. We had made plans to go yard sailing and then visit her antique mall booth, but when I woke up on Saturday it was already 10am. I called to let her know I was running late and she gave me the upsetting news that she'd either lost her wallet or it was stolen. She had been yard sailing all morning and spent all the cash in it so if someone took it they wouldn't get far, but the important documents that were in there (her EMT certification, DL and SS card, etc) would be a pain to replace. She was pretty sure she'd just left it on the top of her car and driven away, but she'd also given a ride to a hitch-hiker and offered him breakfast, only to discover she had no wallet to pay with.
Well, I was fortunate enough to be in the green zone, so I drove up to meet her at the antique mall anyway and we got lunch and I gave her some cash to last the weekend until she could get to the bank today. We cleaned up her booth and ate at this crazy diner that felt like we were back in the 70s. Mom said she'd been there 20 years ago and I thought about how it might be 20 years until I return! It was a lovely place though. While she dusted and sorted the booth I called the sheriff's department to check if anyone had turned in her wallet and gave them some info to get it back in case anyone did return it.
When I got home, Gavin and I got packed up to go to Charlotte and visit his parents, kissed the pups and cats goodbye and hit the road. My friend Allison would be by to feed, water and take the dogs out later on.
The drive to Charlotte was a smooth one. Other than my butt falling asleep, we had no problems. It only took us two and a half hours and on the way down, I got prodded from the inside by little baby Maxfield!
We spent Saturday night out in the backyard around the fire pit, conversing about fireworks, wedding photos, baby things and the new house. I didn't get to sleep until close to 2am but I have to say, sleeping in a feathery-soft bed thats high up off the floor and has a ceiling fan above, no dogs crowding me and the A/C set at a comfortable 65f was like sleeping in heaven. I woke up feeling very refreshed and got an uninterrupted nine hours of sleep. Not even a full bladder could get this lil mama out of bed!
Sunday was spent checking out the Goodwills of Charlotte (which, by the way, are like going to the mall because it's still really nice stuff that people just decided to get nicer versions of), and then we went to...


drum roll


IKEA! :D :D :D

I had never been to IKEA so I didn't really know what to expect, but it was amazing! I was hangry (hungry + angry because of said hunger) so I demanded we eat at the Ikea restaurant first. I got swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes and gravy and the best tomato and feta soup ever. I felt like a balloon when I got up to put my dishes in the bins. But it was so worth it.
We followed the map provided and made our way through all of Ikea, stopping at the beds and mattresses to pick out a frame for the guest room and a new mattress for our bed. They had some $70 mattresses that were less comfortable than concrete and some $700 ones that felt equally terrible, but we found a ~$300 mattress that felt perfect. I can't remember which bed frame we settled on, but since I wont be using it, I don't think it matters, haha.
The best part of Ikea, I think, is pretending that each of the "rooms" they have set up, are apartments. Everything on display, basically, is for sale and they have some prop electronics to make things look homey. They're all empty inside. The toilets on display have paper glued over the openings so no one decides to be funny and pee or god forbid POO in the toilets.
We ended up actually purchasing a nursing chair with cushion, a rug with polka dots, a bamboo salad bowl and can opener and a box of band-aids and a little stuffed white rat. The total was only $112 but they have a deal where if you spend over $100 in store they take off your meal purchase from the total, so since Gavin, his brother and I all ate, we ended up spending only $86! Well worth it.
My hunger was sated and I was no longer grumpy, but walking around that HUGE store left my feet swollen and sore so we decided to get on the road after Ikea. We said our goodbyes and headed back to Apex.
The ride home was much more turbulent. There was rain from outside of Charlotte all the way to Apex and for some reason, a lot of people didn't have their lights on. My wipers decided to cut out every few minutes and I realized I haven't driven in night rain in forever. I guess I don't really go out at night? And we haven't had a lot of rain until recently.
We finally made it back home and all the animals were super excited to see us. It felt good to be home even though a little mini-vacation was much-needed.

Oh yeah! And my mom texted me when we got back to say someone HAD turned in her wallet and nothing was missing! She'd already cancelled her debit card and ordered a new ID but at least she didn't have to get a new social security card. :)

Baby shower and doctor visit #3

I am excited to say that this past weekend was one of the best so far! I didn't have too much nausea and other than the heat making me a melty person I had all my energy and stamina back!

First things first, the baby shower:

Gavin and I drove up to my mom's house on Sunday afternoon. It's about an hour's drive, but its a beautiful hour and passes quickly with the scenery changing from country to city and back to country again with sprawling hills and farms and a sparkling view of the lake. 

We got there a little early so I could help my mom set up anything she hadn't gotten to yet. A couple of our friends also came early so we got to catch up before the excitement began. 

When the shower began, we were each given a clothespin to wear on our shirts. If we said 'baby' or any variation of the word we had it confiscated. Whoever had the last clothespin was the winner. I think I was third to lose mine. 

We decorated onesies, made up baby names and guessed for a due date and the weight/sex of the baby. I got a huge calendar with everyone's guesses written on it to take home. 

We ate cupcakes and my mom had made baby quiches and ham & cheese fingerprints for us to snack on. When the mingling settled I moved over to a picnic table to open the gifts. We got a bunch of stuff! My top favorites so far:

-raccoon pjs with a raccoon on the butt (so cute, I squealed as I opened it)

-baby carrying sling (I have already tried it on my cats and it's so perfect, I can't wait to use it!)

-Little tiny socks in different characters like Batman (so tiny)

-gift card to target which has been stowed away for after the baby is born so we can pick up any last-minute forgotten items

Loading it all into the car was craziness. Luckily we didn't have to give my friend a ride back so it all fit fine. 

I spent most of the evening post-shower going through everything and marveling at how much STUFF there is. And we haven't even gotten a real crib or nursery furniture yet!

Doctor Visit #3

Honestly, there's not a lot to say here. Gavin had to work an overnight shift after the shower from midnight to 10:30am and he was exhausted. He laid down for about an hour and a half before the appointment but claims not to have gotten any sleep. So I know he was a sleepy mess when we got to the appointment. 

They asked us if we were going to do the blood tests to check for downs syndrome and spinal defects, things like that. I wasn't really feeling it because I know that a false positive would throw me into a tailspin of worry and anxiety and that is just not what I need right now. We decided to talk it over while waiting for the doctor and we decided that it was not going to make a difference since we wouldn't be ending the pregnancy either way. So we declined the tests. 

Since no bloodwork was to be done, the only thing we did at this visit other than a discussion with the doctor was listen to the heartbeat. It was still in the 140s range and sounded completely healthy. 

I was a little disappointed that we weren't able to find out the sex this visit, but I am all the more excited to know that August 4th will be the FOR SURE discovery date. And I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like.

I've been googling ultrasounds at 17 weeks to see what others' babies look like and I'm just so excited to see ours.

Dr Visit #2

Yesterday was our second appointment and was supposed to be the busiest appointment until the last month or so. I expected many tests and questions, but honestly, I don't feel like we did that much.
I was given an exam, a cell sample was taken and I had a breast exam. We listened to the heartbeat and discussed medicines I was taking and genetic disorders. Then before I knew it, I was peeing in a cup and it was over!
The exam part for me was kind of scary because I had actually never had a gynecological exam before. I guess I missed that part of young adulthood somehow. It didn't hurt and it wasn't really uncomfortable--my doctor had a pre-warmed speculum--but I still went home feeling a little...violated. I am trying to reconcile this feeling with the fact that it was a necessary procedure and part of the pregnancy, but I still feel a little off.
Luckily, Gavin is very sweet and has been so supportive. He has been with me at almost every doctor appointment so far and has plans to keep coming. :)
My next appointment is in about 4 weeks and it'll be right after the baby shower. We PROBABLY won't be able to tell if it's a male or female yet, but I'm not worried about it. I'm excited to see how much our baby has grown.

What to buy when you're expecting

This is the question that I have been pondering lately.

I'm sure the almighty Google could answer it for me, but I have a hard time trusting random sites on the internet, even the ones that are teeming with experienced moms. Often the older mothers will have an "it worked for me" attitude about outdated practices and products that are now considered dangerous to infants. I have been toeing the water of registries but I really have no idea what to put on them.

My mom has seemed to put it in the best way: "Babies don't need as much as we like to buy."

Well, I never planned on going all-out and buying every gadget intended to make my baby an infinitesimal amount more intelligent. I plan on buying the necessities (diapers, wipes, stroller, car seat, crib, etc.) and maybe a few extras--I don't want my kid to think I'm holding out on him or her--but it's completely overwhelming to think about what all of the basics entail. Are these expensive diapers really that much better than the store brand? Am I wasting money by not using cloth? Are these wipes going to cause a rash? Can I even lift this stroller? Which car seat is going to be the safest but also the easiest to use? IS THIS CRIB LEGAL!?!

Technology and safety regulations are constantly updating and recalls are being put out on all kinds of products meant for infant/child use. How does anyone know what is even safe to buy?

I keep hoping that the further along I am, the more instincts will kick in. But the fact of the matter is, there's no instinct that tells you which car seat is the best. You can do research and look up specs and ask your friends which worked best for them, but every family is different and until you know what your needs are going to be, you kind of have to wing it. 

This morning my MIL offered to buy us a travel system. Her hairdresser had told her that it was a godsend to be able to take the seat out of the car and snap it into the stroller. I recall my step-mom and dad having a similar system for my younger siblings. However, I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting about car seats and when I asked her advice, she suggested it would save money to buy a car seat that "grows" with your child and adjusts with each stage to fit up to 100 lbs. I didn't even know these existed! She also suggested ditching the idea of a stroller in general for a more hands-on approach: baby carrying.

That has been an idea that I've been pretty adamant about since my best friend had her baby. It seems comforting for my baby to be able to feel me at all times while we are out. But I'm aware that it won't always be me carrying my baby and not everyone who will be taking care of him or her throughout infancy will be so willing to strap a baby on their back (or front). So now it's pretty clear I'm going to be buying a stroller, but not one that comes with a car seat. 

At least, that's the tentative plan. This has only been a couple hours of thinking on the subject and there's so much more I can learn about it. 

Knowing that all of that is just about the stroller and car seat and that I have about a dozen other essentials I will need to get is causing some major anxiety in this mama. Advice is appreciated but I can't guarantee it will be ultimately followed. 

"Quick work for a girl who didn't want kids"

Believe it or not, the title is a quote from a relative who I respect and love dearly. But for the record, that's an incredibly rude thing to say.

I am 26 years old. I have tattoos, I am overweight, I almost never get myself very 'put-together' looking for work or anything else. I am almost 11 weeks pregnant. I have had 2 abortions and one molar pregnancy and for a long time I said I didn't want kids. I grew up in a broken household with parents that fought and fought until they divorced. I got passed between parents and grandparents and to be honest, I loved my childhood. I think I had a lot of fun and got a lot out of a shitty situation. But I knew that if I wasn't sure I was 100% devoted to whomever I decided to spend my life with, I wasn't going to have kids because I could not bear the thought of putting them through a split. I worried, also, that any kid brought into this world would suffer a sad future. The way we are treating the world is a terrible thing. I'm not innocent of it either. I don't always recycle, I drive more than I should and I am not always a decent human being to others. I knew that at that point in my life, I couldn't get myself through tough times, much less a little person who needed me.
But then I met Gavin. And we fell in love. Hopelessly, hopelessly in love.
Gavin wasn't keen on kids either. When we first met he said there was always time in the future if we changed our minds. I agreed. Time went by, we married, and then about 5 months in, we conceived! Not exactly on purpose, but we weren't being super careful either. And I have no regrets about that. There are so many different ways to start a family and I don't think our way is any less valid than anyone else's.
Now, I understand that in my younger days I was very clear that I did not want kids. I had many conversations with people who believed I would change my mind. I adamantly opposed that. I really didn't think I would! But my biological imperative got the best of me. I found myself feeling baby clothes in Target and noticing the giant eyes peeping up out of the strollers that passed me on the sidewalk. There was an urge.
So Gavin and I discussed having kids. We decided we could do it.
And then, a few weeks later, we got into a fight that left me feeling uncertain and I decided I wasn't ready. So we stopped trying again.
But we made up and then we decided to take it casually. We would take whatever came at us.
And pretty soon, we got a positive test result.
Even though I knew that it was what I wanted, I still felt anxiety from it. This is not a small change. This is like, the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. SOMETHING IS GROWING INSIDE ME!!! I had a million thoughts running through my head.
So in addition to dealing with the fact that I am now an incubator for a being which I will not meet for months, I have the task of letting people know this.
I should specify that am not a very center-of-attention person. I think at some point I was, maybe in middle and high school, but somewhere along the lines I decided to hit the sidelines and make myself comfortable. At my own wedding I felt out of place being the one upon which everyone rested their gaze. It was a wonderful day and I was surrounded by people I love, but it was very stressful for me and I felt too vulnerable being in the spotlight.
So with that being said, telling people that Gavin and I are pregnant was on the very bottom of my list of things I'd like to do. I told my mom and some close friends and family but I felt weird doing it. I didn't have the confidence I felt like I should have had to say "We're pregnant!" and it came out sounding almost like I was ashamed. And I hate that. I am not ashamed to be pregnant. I am ashamed I don't feel comfortable saying it. I think the root of this is that I still feel like someone is going to say "but you're so young!" or "how irresponsible!" when really, I'm at an appropriate reproducing age and in a very stable relationship. There's nothing irresponsible about it, except environmentally speaking, if you consider the toll humans take on earth. But when you're raised in an era where teenage pregnancy is both rampant and looked down upon and everyone judges everyone else's decisions whether or not they know the motivations behind them, well, it's easy to take it to heart that being pregnant is a bad thing.
The other root I can think of has actually been confirmed. The family and friends that feel the need to call me out on the fact that I once said I'd never have kids. Well, yes, I did say that. I admit it. Most of the people who told me "you'll change your mind" weren't even interested in hearing my reasoning for not wanting kids. If they had, I imagine they'd keep their mouths shut now. I was in a place where kids was not an inviting idea. I have grown and found myself in a more child-friendly state of mind now. I don't think it happens to everyone who says they don't want kids and I would never tell someone that they'd change their mind. But for me, I did. It really angers me that people have to bring it up because they just want to say "I told you so". But I let it go because I am too focused on everything else in my life to explain my reasons now.

The first ten weeks

I almost forgot about this blog! I guess I have a lot of catching up to do then.

Where to start??
Well, let's start at the first positive test.
Gavin and I were coming home from dinner one night and I asked if we could stop by the store. I had been having these feelings that are difficult to describe. A kind of KNOWLEDGE that I've had before. We picked up a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and I decided to take the first one as soon as I got home (even though you're supposed to wait and use morning urine). Well, it turned pink pretty fast. Even though the last few times I'd taken a test I'd been sending it tiny posi-vibes in my head, I never actually expected it to work.
When I saw the pink line I actually felt myself begin to freak out. In a good way? Bad way? I'm still not sure. I took the test out to Gavin and said, "uh, well, we're pregnant." I recall trying to remove any emotion from my voice because I wanted a natural reaction from him, not something biased by my inflection.
"Yeah?" Gavin responded, pretty much as emotionless as me.
Doesn't sound like the storybook reveal, right?
I forgive us for that. We were in shock. And everything in my life has been a little different from my expectations. We're happy now, so that's really what counts.

Fast forward to the following weekend. We had made plans to visit Gavin's parents in Charlotte, but they cancelled on us last minute. We managed to salvage the weekend by going with his sister to a cabin in Roanoke Rapids. We told Aurora because she was questioning the fact that I wasn't drinking. She works in a children's hospital and told us that we should've just told her ahead of time so she could bring a blood/urine test so we could be absolutely sure!

Fast forward again: a week or so later, I went to the doctor's office (without Gavin, he had work). The nurse was kind but I kind of put her off with the mention that this wasn't my first pregnancy, just my first intention to give birth. The doctor seemed to give me a sympathetic look when he asked if I had a partner.
"Yes, my husband is in the picture." I managed to say without being too irritated. Not that it would matter if he wasn't. But I'm sure they were just trying to make small talk.
Our pregnancy = confirmed!

Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I began feeling all the symptoms. (Funny how that works!) I got morning sickness, which is inaccurately named---it's really all-day-long-sickness! Felt HUNGRY all the time and then was exhausted after the smallest of tasks. I got headaches and panic attacks about whether I was eating right, doing enough around the house, etc. I figured myself to be pretty far along (2 and half months, I thought) based on my last menstrual cycle and I panicked about the fact that I hadn't seen an OBGYN yet! I made an appointment with one which they made me wait for 2 weeks to get in, only to tell me my insurance wasn't accepted there. :'( When I found an OBGYN that took my insurance they made me wait another week for an appointment!
Early on, I had downloaded a pregnancy tracker app and joined a forum for newly pregnant women and moms. If you're a newly pregnant woman, I suggest finding one that does not have a forum. From reading what these women were going through, I probably had at least 3 panic attacks in a week. I deleted the app shortly after and decided to just rely on my own calendar and pregnancy books to track my baby's growth.
Before I knew it, the first appointment was upon us! Gavin had taken off work to be there for this visit and I was grateful for that. I answered all the questions asked and as they were setting up the ultrasound system I warned them that I was probably about 13-14 weeks along and I was embarrassed that I had not seen an OB before that day.
Well, they took a few measurements and determined that I was 9 weeks and 5 days in, which was a HUGE surprise. We checked the calendar and figured that I must have barely been pregnant when the tests came back positive!
I got to see my little one on the screen as the technician worked the ultrasound. It was wiggling and 'dancing' and of course it brought tears to my eyes. Holy crap, I'm going to be a mom! Up until that point, it still felt very surreal, like maybe I was dreaming. And even now, I feel like I am still dreaming! I don't know at what point it should feel real but maybe it just comes in spurts until the baby is born.

Since the appointment, I have let the rest of my family and friends know that we are expecting. I've received warm responses from just about everyone I have told (though of course there are always the people who feel the need to say 'but I thought you didn't WANT kids!' as if I forgot I'd said that? Thanks, but your input is unnecessary).
Note: I did for a long time deny wanting kids. I knew that with my personality and laziness in general that kids would be a HUGE undertaking. Well, things change. I also said I never wanted to get married. I can't explain why I had such a change of heart other than it's probably just my primal instinct to pro-create and when you find the person that you love so much that you can't imagine being without them, sometimes you want to celebrate that and make it 'official'. The church part was more for my family than for us. We just needed to look into each other's eyes and say forever.

I also went to see the dentist for a toothache that was bothering me. Turns out the cracked tooth has to come out. The dentist couldn't pull it the day of the appointment, so she prescribed me an antibiotic and codeine (which I had never had before) to tolerate the pain until my next appointment. I had a weird reaction to the codeine and I had to go back and get percoset instead. So now, in addition to my pre-natal vitamins and zofran for nausea, I now carry in my purse codeine, percoset, and antibiotics. Gavin jokes that I am a walking medicine cabinet. I guess so. I don't even like taking pills!

So that was basically the first ten weeks. I'm now in the 10th week heading to the 11th in a couple days. I'm excited, nervous, still lethargic for the most part and still suffering morning nausea, though for the most part the lingering daytime nausea has subsided.
Yesterday I had a few hours to myself at home so I painted my cat laying on a bench. It felt wonderful to get back in touch with my inner painter.

That's all for this post, but I'm going to be writing a second post (sort of a rant, I guess) on pregnancy in general. Bear with me as I will probably get a little carried away, but I think it's a necessary post.