8 Months Eve

My sweet Babygirl,

You are asleep on my lap, head draped over my forearm, forcing me to type this at an extremely awkward angle. I would rather lose circulation in my hand than put you down. 

Today you took extra-long to take a nap. Was it because we got to sleep in some today? Maybe you still can't adjust to lunch out on Sundays. You closed your eyes in the car on the way to the Asian Market, so I know you were tired. You rubbed your eyes in the hammock and rolled around the living room floor grumbling to yourself. You always grumble when you're sleepy. 

I tried nursing you, as I always do, but you bit me and clawed at my breasts. You were hungry, but you're cutting your top front teeth and it feels good to clamp down. The clawing is because you find it amusing to see me wince. Thinking it was too hot since we have turned off the A/C for the season, I stripped you down to just your diaper. It helped, but I think turning off the light made more of a difference. 

Daddy brought the fan in and I moved to the Poang chair with you. I laid you across my lap with the now-rarely-used boppy pillow and tried once more to get a good latch. You had begun to whimper at me by then, so I knew it was imperative that I get you comfortable before it turned into a full-on meltdown. I've gotten pretty good at reading you.

Just now you lifted your head and let out a mournful wail. You're asleep, though, so even though it breaks my heart, I let you be. You snuggled right back up to my chest and it was as if you never stirred at all.

I feel like time is flitting through my fingers. I guess every mom feels that way, but you are growing so big and so fast. I can't seem to come to terms with it. You're pulling up on everything now with such ease that you'd think there was never a time you could not. You're beginning to show some backbone, challenging me when I stop you from grabbing a cord or eating my shoes. You are strong-willed, but sweet. Your forehead boops make my days. I dont stand a chance against your mischievous grin after you bite me. And I could stare at you for hours on end while you sleep without once getting bored. 

Dinner is ready and I'm going to have to attempt some stealthy maneuvers in order to eat and not wake you up. At least if I do wake you up, I'll get to see your pretty smile.

Love,

Mama

Some time to write

It's getting more and more difficult to find the time to sit and write out a post. Evelyn is on the move these days, crawling up on all fours and making good time of it as well. She is getting into everything and chasing the cat all over the house.
I look back with misty eyes on those early days when she would nap on the bed all swaddled up in a blanket. Earlier this week Evie took her first tumble off the bed while I washed dishes. She'd kept me trapped for two hours while she napped and finally I managed to slip out from under her. Ten minutes into the third hour she must have awoken and instead of crying for me to rescue her from the pillow wall, she attempted to scale it. She landed solidly on her back, so no harm was done and not even a bump to the ol' noggin. But her pride was bruised, so of course Mommy Snuggles were necessary. I've learned I can no longer leave her asleep on the bed.
Some other changes we've noticed are:

• She will no longer go to everyone. Particularly my father and stepfather. They both get the stinky eye and the big cry if they pick her up. She still loves her Mummum (my grandmother) though.
• She's not as big a fan of the car anymore. We recently discovered her car seat was not in the correct location (oops, use this as a reminder to READ YOUR MANUALS!). After moving it to one side of the car, she no longer has the direct line of sight to us through the mirror. It makes for some rough nights if we stay out too late. 
• She's sensitive to some sounds. None of the usual ones (fireworks, thunder, etc) but things like a drill or the dog whimpering make her cry. Sorry Boo.
• She is not my super-all-the-time-happy baby! She's taken to whining whenever I am trying to do anything that doesn't involve her. Talking to my friends, eating soup, typing blog posts all fall into this category.

So life is definitely becoming a bit more challenging. Gavin's mom is in the hospital right now for unknown reasons, so we're going to go down to Charlotte to help take care of things while she's laid up. I'm hoping the change in scenery wont throw us off too much. 

And since I can't remember if I mentioned it last post, Evie has 2 lateral incisors in addition to her two bottom front teeth. She looks like a goofy little vampire and I love it. :) 

Here are some photos to catch up:

Daddy and Evie at the park

Turns out she loves splashing her feet in water

Pond? YES PLEASE

Grandma and Grandpa

At the airport on the kiddie runway with Daddy

Mommy and Evie on the Observation Deck

Evie's pal at the kiddie runway

Evie loves trees

7 months!

I know I just posted about my PPD/A, but I figured I would balance out the serious with a happy post.
Evelyn has been making great strides lately, including learning to crawl, pulling up/climbing and standing while holding onto things. It is insane how much she has accomplished in the last couple of weeks.

She enjoyed the playground even though she's still too little to really ride the slide.

We've been trying to live cheaply because that will help me stay home with her longer, so our adventures have been to museums and parks lately. Whenever we visit a museum, aquarium or what have you, we keep an eye out for cool patches for the Ergo. She has quite a few so far and we're running out of room to sew them on, so pretty soon we might have to find her something else to put them on. 

This past week or so, Evie has entered into leap 6, which basically means she's become a velcro baby. She can't be out of eyesight at all and most of the time has to be within reach or actually attached to me. Babywearing makes my life so much easier, but this is still tough.

We've been reading Evie books every night before bed. She gets a few board books or a couple big stories and the last few nights we've been reading her a book on animals in the Pacific Northwest. She doesn't yet pay much attention to them, mostly she tries to eat them, but even so it is a fun settling activity. 

Evie now has 3 teeth. Oddly enough her 3rd tooth is one of the top lateral incisors (tooth beside the front two). She uses it to bite hard on my nipples, fingers, dad's hands and baby carrots. She thinks its hilarious when I cry out in pain. 

Her "show off" skills include:

• shaking her head "no" almost on command
• clapping
• crawling
• bouncing on her butt to her hands and knees
• high fives

She's not quite grasped the concept of giving kisses, but daddy taught her to bop heads as a greeting, so maybe that counts for something. 

We've been going back and forth with table food, letting her try some of what we eat (Baby Led Weaning) and then also offering her some purees. She is only mildly interested in those. Mostly she would prefer BLW, but I am a nervous Nelly and I am just not organized enough to nurse between cooking and eating without our food getting cold. That sounds like an excuse and probably is. I'm not quite ready to not be Evie's sole source of nutrition! My body makes the perfect food and what if I don't do so great at making table food meals for her!? I'm a mess, I know. 

Evie's favorite pastime is chasing the cat around the room. And by chasing I mean the cat sprawls a few feet ahead of her, she crawls to the kitty and just as she's reaching out to grab a tail or a paw or a bunch of fur, kitty moves another couple feet ahead. It's quite entertaining and I'm very impressed at the cat's calmness around Evie. It should go without saying that they are always supervised. 

Evie's favorite toys right now are a FP remote that sings a creepy song, her rainbow donut stacker, a fox clip-on rattle, the manta ray her Aunt Aurora bought from the VA Aquarium and (as always) her Pink Bunny. 

On Tuesday Evie will see her physical therapist for hopefully one of the last times. I can't wait to hear what they have to say about how far she's come! :)
Here are some more photos to keep you in the loop. Thanks for reading!

Arm Day at the playground :)

Celebrating 7 months of awesomeness

Being a pirate at the History Museum

Sometimes the used bookstore has boxes of rad toys!

Okay I guess sometimes she pays atention

Big whisk takers.

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness Week!!

When Things Become Too Much

About two weeks ago, I finally got the courage up to see a doctor about my post pardum anxiety and depression. My doctor put me on Zoloft and set me up with a therapist to talk to. I see my therapist on Tuesday, but in the last two weeks on Zoloft I have seen a huge improvement in my outlook on life.
I'm about to get real personal here, so brace yourselves.
In the beginning, when Evie was tiny and fresh, I had this strength that I didn't know was there. I used it all up to get through her NICU stay. When she came home, I rode this wave of relief and excitement powered by adrenaline. I hit cruising speed at about 4 months. In those first 4 months, the pediatrician always had a pre-visit survey to gauge how new moms were doing themselves. I always felt I could answer "just as happy or happier" and "not sad at all". After the 4 month visit, those questionnaires went away. And that's exactly when I began to feel this cloud looming over me.
At first it was just some panic here and there. We bedshare and I would wake up and feel the need to check Evie's breathing. I would sleep with my hand on her chest if she wasn't nursing. Then I started having bad dreams. Pretty soon I didn't want to sleep at all. I would stay up on my phone, distracting myself from sleep because it always meant waking up with my heart pounding and sometimes full-on crying.
The daytime wasn't so bad. I would have moments of panic, but mostly I could distract myself. But even daytime ended up falling victim to my depression. I lost the desire to leave the house at all. I didn't want to stay home either though, because the dishes needed to be done and the laundry was piling up. I couldn't get out of bed til mid afternoon some days. At the worst, I would have only just woken up when Gavin would come home from work.
I confided my affliction to a few people. My mom, Gavin, a couple friends. They told me to seek help, but it's much easier said than done. You see, on top of my depression and anxiety was this fear. Probably from watching too many episodes of Forensic Files. I thought if anyone found out I was suffering, they'd immediately assume I was going to hurt my precious little girl. And I could never dream of such a thing. I thought about mentioning my predicament to the pediatrician at her 6 month appointment but I chickened out. I thought they'd take Evie away. I was scared to tell anyone the deepest, darkest details and I couldn't find that courage to make the phone call.
Luckily, I have one friend in particular who is a real motivator. She helped me figure out who to call and promised me that no one would try to take Evie away over me feeling overwhelmed. She promised me I was a good mom and that it is 100% normal for this to happen. And she was right! One in ten new moms experiences PPD/Anxiety. That might not sound like much, but it is. And doctors are more than willing to help you if you call on them.
In the last two weeks I have watched myself go from the shell of who I used to be to a better me. I know that sounds cheesy. I am not where I want to be just yet, but with a little dosage tinkering and some therapy, I think I can be.
It sure as hell feels great just to be able to sleep again.